My Blog

Boundaries, Communication, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles

Two halves won’t make YOU whole

Susan L. Wheeler

“The right person makes your life take off, not settle down. The right person doesn’t change you, you change yourself when you feel free enough to be loved for who you really are.” ~ Brianna Wiest

Understanding the components of healthy relationships has been an underlying theme in many of my recent conversations with clients, friends, and family members prompting some further digging. The simple fact is that all of us are engaged in all types of relationships, in some form or another, whether it’s with a romantic partner, business partners, friendship, co-workers, children, or employee/employer. Unfortunately, for many of us our relationships are pain points in our lives, and can be challenging to navigate and can be the source of sadness, disappointment and heartache.

The need and desire for human connection is an innate need and a deep source of fulfillment in our lives, yet the ability to form healthy relationships is something we must learn. Many of us haven’t actually been taught or learned how to develop healthy relationship skills. On top of that, ads, television, film and media inundate us with unrealistic ideas of romance, friendships, and other relationships. Romantic illusions, unrealistic expectations, and negative stories ultimately lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, disappointments and overall unhappiness within us and within our relationships. For many of us, we may need to learn, let go and unlearn some of these ideas and beliefs about relationships if we desire healthy, fulfilling relationships in our lives.

One of the most damaging myths is the notion that you need someone to complete you. This belief is especially prevalent when it comes to our romantic relationships. If you believe that you need to be in a relationship in order to be “complete” or feel “complete”, you will always be looking for something you will never find. When you seek someone to “complete” you, ultimately you’ll end up caught up in a codependent relationship, obsessing about the other person, what they’re doing to us and/or what they’re not doing for us. And, PS, this can happen in any of our relationships, not just our romantic ones.

Fulfillment and satisfaction in any relationship comes from within us first. You can’t fully and effectively give yourself to someone until you’ve found it within yourself first. By whole, I mean that we’re showing up as the truest version of ourselves. A healthy relationship involves two people who are supportive of each other and each others’ pursuits and goals, and are looking forward with a common vision that they are working towards.  They don’t obsess or objectify each other, or need someone’s company all the time. They are together because they truly respect, love, and value the other person for who they really are, not their idea of who they “should” be.

How to Create Healthy Relationships

Like anything worth pursuing, nurturing healthy relationships requires knowledge, skill and practice. We can’t fully give to others until we really know and understand ourselves or if our cup is empty and our energy is depleted. Essential to filling your cup is adopting a self-care practice that involves gratitude, service to others, and truly getting to know yourself.

1)    Know thyself first

First, and foremost, we need to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. Pursuing healthy relationships always starts with discovering who we are, learning about our core needs, triggers, deepest fears and uncovering our limiting beliefs. We need to learn how to be kind and compassionate with ourselves, and with our unique journey. While I may not have it all together in my relationships yet, I have put a lot of time and energy into my own self-discovery, and in showing up as the most authentic version of myself in all of my relationships.

2)    Fill your cup

You can’t give to others when you’re cup is empty. Relationships take energy and if we’re depleted, we have nothing left to invest into creating a good relationship with another person. Before you can give to another, you need to create your own energy. You create energy by practicing self-care and nourishing your body, mind and soul, something I’m currently working on. Nourishing your mind might involve reading, watching shows, listening to a podcast or music, journaling, or conversations with people that give you pleasure. Meditation, prayer, charity, and breathwork are just a few examples of nurturing your soul. Lastly, nourishing your body typically involves food and exercise, such as walking, stretching or yoga, drinking water, taking a fitness class, or simply slowing down and savoring your food.  It’s only when your cup is full that you’ll have the energy to really look at another’s preferences, love languages, specific needs and wants, because if it’s not your specific need, it will take a lot of energy.  It’s much easier to serve another person when your cup is full.

3)    Practice gratitude

One of the most fundamental ways to fill your cup is practicing gratitude. Focusing on what you appreciate and are grateful for in your life will fill your heart, boosts your immune system, and contributes to your overall sense of well-being, which will naturally overflow into your relationships. Extensive research has shown that practicing gratitude is key to improving your relationships. Specifically focusing on what you appreciate and value about the other person rather than focusing on negative feelings such as regrets, anger, blame, what you’ve lost, and complaining about what you’re not getting will have an immediate positive effects on your relationships. Feelings of gratitude are directly linked to feelings of joy, happiness, and abundance. It also improves our overall well-being, self-esteem, and improves depression. In relationships, it’s particularly powerful when both people practice gratitude otherwise the relationship can easily derail.

4)    Service to others

Showing and communicating gratitude to our friends and loved ones is a great way to make them feel good, makes us feel good, and overall improves the quality of our relationships. It also improves our personality by making us more positive, optimistic and decreases our self-centeredness. Many of us are fixated on wanting others to do for us before we are willing to give to them. Becoming less obsessed with getting our own needs met first, or how the other person is treating you, or getting caught up in what the other person is not doing for you, is a key to nurturing healthy relationships.  Of course, don’t forget that it’s still important to maintain healthy boundaries about what you’re will or not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Waiting for others to meet our needs before we open up creates co-dependency, misery, miscommunication results in unhealthy relationships. It takes a lot of energy to give to others, especially if it is riddled with negativity or if the other party isn’t willing to work with you, so remember how important it is to know yourself first, fill your cup, and practice gratitude. If improving your relationships is important to you, then it’s worth making the first move in serving them first.

5)    A shared vision or goal

Love and relationships are not about being attached, wanting or obsessing over each other, but about looking outward together in the same direction. A healthy relationship typically involves two people who support each other in the pursuit of their own dreams and path, however, still share one vision in common that they are both working towards. I recently wrote about creating a vision board. One of my clients decided to take it one-step further and organized a “date night” with her partner, and over a bottle of wine, they created vision boards. You can read about her experience on her blog icovet.ca. What a fun way to get to know each other and what is important to them and also identify your shared vision for your life. It’s also a fun activity to do with your family, and a great way to get your business partner or work team clear on business priorities.

6)    Accept someone as they are

When you think about it, the very nature of a relationship almost makes it impossible to succeed. We’re always going to be mismatched on our preferences, love languages, wants or needs, not to mention needing to match or blend backgrounds, personal taste, communication styles, and values. When you start with two unique individuals and put them together to co-habitat, work together, love and grow together, you need to accept them as they are. I hope we all know by now that we shouldn’t enter into a relationship with the hopes of molding someone into who we want them to be. To have a healthy relationship, it’s more important that both partners motivate each other to become the best versions of themselves. This is not the same as trying to change someone’s nature, but understanding, respecting and valuing our differences. In a healthy relationship, both people challenge each other to pursue adventure and personal growth rather than settling for complacency, all while supporting each other in a safe and nurturing way. Ultimately, they help to bring out each other’s best selves.  All of us have both an actual self – the person we currently are – and an ideal self – the person we aspire to become. In the best relationships, partners support each other to bring out their ideal self.

7)    Becoming whole

Healthy relationships are always about two “whole people” who are not dependent on each other for their happiness or validation, but involve two fully functioning people who facilitate each other’s voyage of self-discovery and personal growth. So what if you’re not this “whole” person, and want to be? Realize you already have everything you need to be whole – you just need to let go of the insecurities, and realize your awesomeness is already there and then shift to self-discovery and skill-development, such as improving your communication skills. It’s incredibly powerful when both partners embark on this journey of self-discovery together as two of my clients have done (read about their story here).

A healthy relationship is one where two independent people decide that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves. If you can only do one thing, fill your cup by practicing gratitude. When your overall happiness improves, it will spill over into your relationships. Before you put the focus on someone else’s behaviour make sure you’ve put the mirror up in front of your face and invest in learning about yourself and your behaviour. Relationships require constant and consistent nurturing however, when two complete (or at least, fairly complete) people come together because they appreciate, support, love and respect each other it can be one of the most rewarding human experiences.

Now, it’s your turn.

How do you nurture your relationships? What is your biggest pain point in your relationship(s)? What do you value the most in your relationships? Share in the comments.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Boundaries, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Values

Your Core Values are your Compass

Susan L. Wheeler

“Your core values act like your internal compass which navigates the course of your life. If you compromise your core values, you go nowhere.” ~ Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

This past month my daughter was applying for university. It’s hard to believe we are at this point, but I am so excited for her and this next phase of her life. While most universities base acceptance on grades, her top choice school also requires applicants to write a personal profile, consisting of several essay questions. This definitely added extra work to the application process however I thought it was so valuable. All of the essay questions required a lot of introspection and self-awareness. One of the essay questions is “What is most important to you? And why?” After much thought, I was incredibly impressed when she said that living her core values was the most important to her. (PS, I have her permission to share this.)

I think this is such a great answer to this question because our personal core values are like our compass, and we all need a compass to know where we ought to go, where we are, and to help us figure things out. They are foundational in all of our major life areas – school, career, relationships, etc. I believe living our core values is something all of us would benefit from. Just imagine the trajectory of your life if you had figured out your core values at 17 years old! I can say with 100% certainty that I had absolutely no idea at that age. In fact, I was well into my adult life before I had really thought about them, which probably explains a few things 😉

“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.” ~ Roy E Disney

What are core values?

When we know our core values life becomes far easier to navigate. Whether we realize it or not we base many of our decisions on our values. But what are values? While it’s a term that gets used a lot (both personally and in organizations) many of us struggle to define it. Essentially core values are like your personal compass, representing an individual’s highest priorities and deeply held beliefs. They are your fundamental beliefs, ideals or practices that inform how you conduct your life, both personally and professionally, underpinning and guiding your decision-making and behaviours.

They are your personal truths, not universal truths, linked to your interpretation of right and wrong. Values are something people tend to lean on when searching for direction and a sense of meaning in their lives. When faced with a “fork in the road” decision, always defer to your values. Your values look a lot like a compass pointing you on the right path in life.

It’s hard to be confident (see this post and this post) or be true to yourself if you feel lost in life. Knowing your values is the first step to living more intentionally. They are key to being true to your authentic self and creating a meaningful life.  And, to stay true to yourself you must not compromise your values. Once you are clear on what they are, you must boundary the crap out of them (read about boundaries in these two posts – here and here). Essentially, your core values are your non-negotiables.

How do you know if you are (or aren’t) living in alignment with your core values?

Our parents, media, society, culture, and our peers all contribute to the formation of our beliefs so it is often difficult to distinguish between what we’ve been taught to believe and our own personal values. If you haven’t given much thought to what your personal core values are, then you might not even know if you are living in alignment or not. And, even if you are clear on your values often the busyness of life can make you lose sight of them, and your sense of purpose, and what is deeply important to you. When we move through our days without holding these values in our awareness then we are like an explorer without a compass, and we become misaligned with what is deeply important to us. This leaves a rumbling deep within us, a quiet sense that something isn’t right, and a certain level of unease. Holding our values in our minds and hearts as we move through our days helps to guide our decision-making, ensuring that we are living life in alignment with what is important to us. The following are some common clues that indicate that you might not be:

  • You feel stress, anxiety, and/or overall unhappiness;
  • You feel lost or without direction;
  • Something just doesn’t “feel” right, or might “feel” wrong; 
  • You want to “feel” something so you search for emotions like excitement like buying things you don’t want or need;
  • You do extreme sports to feel that adrenaline rush just so you feel something.

How to discover your personal core values

Your core values determine who you are, what you stand for, and define what kind of a life you want to live. It’s all about you and what matters the most to you, not anyone else. Finding and defining your personal core values requires being honest with yourself. If you are unsure about your core values then learn all about your Striving Style and your innate gifts and talents, and what triggers your self-protective system. Understanding your Striving Style will offer some incredible insights into who you are, including how you are hardwired, and what motivates and drives your thoughts and decisions. To discover your core values it’s important to take the time to reflect on what’s important to you. 

Clearly identifying your core values will require time for self-reflection. This means that you can’t just randomly pick values from a list until you’re clear about what you stand for and what you don’t. Discovering and clarifying your core values requires some deep reflection. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

  • Who has inspired you in your life and what qualities about them were inspiring?
  • What was a time when you were at your best and why?
  • What qualities or traits do you admire in other people or aspire to cultivate in yourself?
  • What kind of person do you want to be?
  • What are your greatest accomplishments?
  • What motivates you?
  • Are there any qualities in others that you can’t tolerate?
  • If you had to describe yourself in 15 words or less to someone who doesn’t know you, what would you say?
  • How would you want to be described by the people remembering you after you’re gone?
  • What truths do you stand behind?
  • What matters to you the most?
  • What are rules that you’ve set for yourself that you strictly follow?
  • What rules have you made for yourself but find difficult to follow?
  • What have been your greatest failures, or what are things that you wished you had done better?
  • What makes you feel good, smile, laugh, or feel fulfilled?
  • What values do you envision changing, and which would you like to keep the same?
  • Can you identify a time when you feel you were inefficient or your efforts were misguided, and why?
  • What things, settings or resources are necessary for you to do your best work?
  • What qualities do you feel make strong, healthy relationships?
  • What qualities do you wish to develop in yourself professionally and personally?
  • What are your future goals? What qualities will it take to achieve them?
  • What would you die for?
  • What would you live for?

You’ll have a better idea of your core values based on understanding your Striving Style and how you answer these questions. Once you’ve clarified what’s important to you and identified your ideal self and life, then refer to the list of core values. Contact me and I’ll happily email you my Core Values list.

Review the list of core values and identify your top 5 to 10 that resonate with you. Choose the ones that are uniquely your values. Don’t choose one because you consider it socially acceptable or because it fits with your current situation, your family, work, culture, or society.

Living your Core Values

Once you’ve identified your top 5 to 10 core values, consider how you can embody them and bring them more fully into your everyday life. Imagine yourself in situations when you’re embodying your values and how they will look and feel in your life. Find a specific activity or situation where you have the opportunity to practice connecting with your values. Consider why your value inspires you and the moments in your life when you are or have been deeply connected with it. Is there someone who inspires you, or is there something specific that drives you to follow your values?

Knowing your core values and staying connected to them in your everyday daily life will give you a deeper sense of purpose and meaning in your life, as well as an overall sense of confidence and happiness.

Now, it’s your turn.

Do you know what your top 5 to 10 personal core values are? If so, how have they helped guide your decisions in life? Are you currently living in alignment with your values? Please share your experience.

Photo by Nick Bondarev from Pexels

Brain dominance, Dreams, Goals, Striving Styles, Vision, Visualization

Create a Vision Board and make your dreams come true

Susan L. Wheeler

“Create the highest, grandest vision possible of your life, because you become what you believe.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

Over the holidays, I thought it would be fun to create a vision board. While I generally consider myself a visual person, I’ve only ever written out my dreams and goals in my journal. While this is a valuable process, my dreams and goals often become buried in my notebook, so “out of sight out of mind”. I’ve been wanting to create a vision board since last year after I saw my sisters’ vision board in her home office. A vision board is a powerful tool that offers you a unique and fun way to start the year with a visual roadmap that connects you to your purpose and inspires you to go after your dreams and goals in any or all areas of your life.

Visualization is a powerful tool and science explains how it can be used to help achieve your goals and drive success. It can help you create a happy, energized, and fulfilled life, so you shift from autopilot to living with greater intention, and achieve your goals faster. Neuroscience has shown that visualization helps improve clarity, increase your performance and create new neural pathways so you can start building your ideal life. Creating a future vision for your life is one thing that we can all do. All it takes is your imagination, something that we all still have control over. If nothing else, dreaming about our dream life can be a fun escape without leaving the comfort of our couch.  

Visualizing exercises will be easier for you if your brain is dominant in the upper, right rational quadrant of your brain. This part of our brain is used for visualizing, conceptualizing, synthesizing, imagining, and creating our self-image. If this is your dominant brain, then you’ll likely find this exercise feels more natural. However, if your brain is dominant in one of the other three areas: Lower right emotional brain; Upper left rational brain; Lower left emotional brain, then you may find it helpful to seek guidance from someone who can help you come up with your life vision. If you’re curious about what part of your brain is dominant and how your unique brain is organized, I recommend you complete the SSPS assessment.

What is a vision board?

A vision board is a poster that has several different pictures, words or quotes that signify what you would like to have or do in your life. It creates a visual representation of the life that you want to live. You can create it digitally or manually, and include goals relating to all or some of the following life areas:

  • business, career or desired job;
  • ideal health, wellness and fitness;
  • a new home or changes to your existing home; a dream vacation;
  • ideal lifestyle and social life;
  • desired love, relationships, friendships and family;
  • areas of personal growth, learning or school;
  • community and social contribution;
  • financial, wealth and charity goals;
  • recreation, hobbies and activities.

8 Steps to create your vision board

Bring your dreams and goals to life by creating your own vision/dream board, a visual representation of the life that you want to live, in either a manual or digital format.

  1. Start with your vision.  If there were no limits, what would your ideal future look like? Brainstorm what you want for yourself in the different life categories of your life. What would you do or experience if you believed there were no limits to what you might do? Determine your key priorities that are the most important to your happiness. Uncover your purpose, passions, strengths, and core values. What excites and energizes you? Pay attention to those annoying automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) that will make you downplay your dreams, such as “that’ll never happen” “I don’t deserve it” or any other ANTS. Also, consider what depletes your energy and how you can avoid them. Take stock of your current situation including health, relationships, career, learning and education, charity, community, and environment, and holiday and fun. A reverse bucket list is also useful in establishing the direction of your ideal life.
  2. Do a visualization meditation of your future self.  Visualization meditation is a powerful tool that lets you take the first step in laying down new neural pathways for the life you dream about. Clarity on where you want to end up will provide you direction to start building goals, priorities, and actions so you can move your life in a direction that you want and deserve.  
  3. Establish what life categories you plan to focus on. You may want to represent all of them or just a few main areas in your life. Complete the Wheel of Life to help you with questions to ask yourself. Contact me if you would like a copy of my Wheel of Life worksheets. Consider the timeframe of your goals. Will your vision board reflect your goals for the upcoming year or for your life? You could decide to create a separate board for specific areas in your life, such as health and fitness or travel, etc. For example, I chose to create a vision board with many images that mainly reflect a few of my top goals for the next year or so. My sisters’ vision board reflected the main life categories represented by one image each. There isn’t a right or wrong. It’s your life, your dreams, your vision, and your project so have fun with it and do whatever makes sense for you.
    • Create S.M.A.R.T. goals to keep you on track. This is highly recommended, but not essential. Establishing and writing down your specific goals that align with your vision and purpose will keep you on track, create clarity, and move you towards your dream faster. Identify your strengths, your core values, and aligning your goals to your purpose (your why), will keep you energized, motivated and help you overcome procrastination. Create goals that energize and motivate you.
  4. Find images to reflect your dreams and goals. Go through magazines or other print materials and cut out pictures or images that relate to your dream life and/or goals. Alternatively, you can create a digital image file that includes images you found on Pinterest, Google images, online free photos, etc. Once printed, then cut them out and place them on this board. I used Pinterest and created a vision board page, then pinned images in all of the life areas that I want to focus on. I then selected only the ones that inspired me, moved them to a word document, and printed them.
  5. Gather your vision board supplies.  You’ll likely need a poster board if you plan on creating a physical board. There are a few different sizes available so consider your location that you plan on displaying/hanging it, or the number of life categories you want to represent. You may also want coloured paper, stickers, and other supplies if you plan to embellish your vision board. Alternatively, you can keep it super simple. It’s your board so create whatever inspires you.
  6. Print, cut and group your images.  Print, then cut out your images. Then lay them out on your board. You may want to create category headings, either handwritten or printed out. Once you’re happy with your layout, you can glue them into place. The process of manually organizing, cutting, and sticking also reinforces your dreams and goals.
    • Alternatively, get an app for your phone or tablet and create a digital vision board. If you can’t be bothered to cut and paste on a board, there are quite a few apps to choose from. You could also create a vision board slide show of your images on your iPhone.
  7. Select an area in your home or office to display your personal board.  Choose a spot that you ideally see several times a day so you can manifest your dreams by imprinting the images on your subconscious mind. Mine is in my home office. Every time you look at your vision board your mind sees images of your dreams or goals without evaluating whether or not you can have them. They can be a motivator or trigger action.  
  8. Update your vision board images, if necessary. Continuously looking at your board and frequently updating or tweaking the images if a change is necessary. Your vision board isn’t static or set in stone, so you may want to add fresh images to maintain your motivation. Keep looking at your board and take action as the ideas come to you.

“All of our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” ~ Walt Disney

It’s important to remember that to make our dreams come true, we must take action! We can’t just simply look at our board and expect our dream life to appear ;). That said, frequently looking at our board stimulates our desire to take action and move us to do the thing or activity we dream of or have the thing or item that we desire. It prompts us to ask ourselves “what can I do or what step can I take to make this dream come true”? Our dreams remain front and center, spurring us into action, whether big or small, again, and again towards the achievement of our dreams.

I believe vision boards really work and aren’t just a collection of pretty pictures. Already my vision board has inspired me into action towards my goals and dreams. Vision boards feed our imagination, encourage us to dream, and fill us with excitement and momentum to take action to make our dreams into a reality. A vision board is a fun tool that will help you to go after your goals in a faster and unique way. So, get started designing your dream life!

Now, it’s your turn.

Have you ever created a vision board? Are you inspired to create one now? Share your tips, ideas, or your experience in the comments.

Photo by Polina Kovaleva from Pexels

Personality, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

Self-Confidence: Was she born with it? Or maybe, she just did the work!

Susan L. Wheeler

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. When you are born a lotus flower, be a beautiful lotus flower, don’t try to be a magnolia flower. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to change yourself to fit what other people want you to be, you will suffer all your life. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself, having confidence in yourself.” ~ Nhat Hanh

Who remembers the 1992 Maybelline TV commercial “maybe she’s born with it”?   Didn’t you want to look and feel that confident?! I did and probably bought the eyeshadow too. Now, that’s good marketing! While I realize that wearing a certain eyeshadow won’t really make me more confident, I do know that self-confidence can be nurtured and developed. We’re not simply born with it. I’d say that’s good news if becoming more self-confident is something that you want. The bad news, like anything else worth having, it takes time and practice to nurture it.

Research has shown that we are born with our personalities, it’s our nature. Self-confidence on the other hand is something that is developed and nurtured. While some personality types might appear more confident, it likely has more to do with society’s perception of confidence. For example, an extrovert may come across as more confident at a party because they are more comfortable talking in a group. However, I think it’s safe to say that talking isn’t an indicator of confidence. In fact, sometimes over-talking could be a sign of insecurity. An introvert on the other hand could embody more self-confidence, yet not need or want to be the centre of attention or enjoy small talk.

Ideally, when we’re children our parents nurture our self-confidence in us by providing a psychologically and emotionally safe place for us to develop into our unique selves. But as we know, this isn’t always the case. Many parents lack self-awareness or confidence and, therefore are unable to effectively nurture self-confidence in their child. Nevertheless, no matter how we were or weren’t nurtured, it’s never too late to develop our self-confidence.

High self-confidence is important for overall success, happiness and fulfillment so fortunately it’s a skill that we can all develop. Self-confidence will give you the courage to try new things and to live the life you want to live. I’ve always been fascinated by those women (and men) who embody that je ne sais quoi and have been curious how they developed it. This interest is at the core of my work, both personally and professionally. And, I know I’m not alone because it’s something that I’ve heard from employees, co-workers, clients, family and friends. Many of us desire more self-confidence.

How do we develop and nurture self-confidence?

The most important thing that I have done to help improve my self-confidence has been learning and understanding how my brain is organized using the Striving Style Personality System. Knowing and understanding my unique talents, gifts and strengths provide me with a guide to what and how I do my best work. When we understand what motives us, we can direct our energy and focus, thus developing them into strengths, which ultimately develops and nurtures our self-confidence. When we spend too much time in an environment or doing certain activities or tasks that drain our energy, we become held back and our self-esteem erodes.  

Understanding your weaknesses and what triggers your self-protective system is equally important in developing and nurturing self-confidence. When we live or act out of our self-protective system, doing certain things can feel difficult and we can judge ourselves harshly for it. We wonder why some things are so difficult for us, yet appear easy for others. Life can be difficult when we’re constantly fighting against our nature, and doing so, we diminish our self-confidence.

9 Ways to Nurture Your Self-Confidence

  1. Get clear on who you are – the best way to be more confident is to know who you are. When you understand your personality and unique gifts, what you value, your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, habits, beliefs, needs and desires you can stop living life for other people and start living for you. Go ahead and use your unique voice to contribute, create and express yourself. The more you live your life on your own terms the more confident you’ll become.
  2. Focus on your strengths – Know what you have to offer and do that more confidently. Play to your strengths, as the saying goes. Most people take their strengths for granted, mainly because they come easily to them so they assume it must be easy for everyone. Identify your unique talents and needs, then build them into strengths, and your self-confidence will improve. Your greatest room for growth is by developing your strengths.
  3. Understand your weaknesses – Learn how your unique brain is organized, understand your blind spots and areas that are challenging or more difficult for you. Identify if you are spending too much or all of your energy doing activities or in an environment that drains you. Are you doing these things based on societal expectations or because of others’ needs? It’s a faulty assumption that the greatest opportunity for growth is focusing on your weaknesses. Focusing on weakness ultimately erodes self-esteem, whereas putting your energy into developing your strengths nurtures self-confidence.
  4. Practice self-compassion – be a kinder “friend” to yourself and start saying positive things about yourself. Forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself when you make a mistake. Tell yourself that it’s ok to make mistakes because it’s how we learn. Self-confidence erodes when you’re continuously putting yourself down and are too hard on yourself. Negative self-talk has a major impact on how we feel about ourselves, so ask yourself, would you say those things to your best friend? We often tell ourselves awful things that no one else would say to us. Practice saying or writing positive affirmations about yourself. Treating yourself with more compassion and respect will build your confidence.
  5. Develop your skills and knowledge – If you aren’t feeling confident in a specific area of your life, then be open to learning. Increase your competence by taking courses, reading, training, or by working with a mentor, coach, or trainer in the area that want to improve. Knowledge is power so dive into learning about your specific interests. The more you learn, the more confident you’ll feel in that area of your life. While many things can be learned through courses, reading and research, to really develop confidence in a specific area, you’ll need to put that skill or knowledge into practice. We aren’t born all-knowing so, whether you are exploring personal development, want to change a behaviour or habit, or learn a new job, sport or activity, real change and confidence come from continuous and consistent practice.  
  6. Value your own opinion – Stop making other people’s opinions matter more than your own. Your opinion matters so if you want to develop self-confidence you need to value your own opinion. While seeking help, advice or opinions from professionals or trusted friends and family is healthy, ultimately it’s your opinion that matters the most. Constantly worrying about what others think will just make your confidence go down. While you can remove negative people and their negative opinions from your life, remember, there will always be someone else out there. Speak up and let your voice be heard. Stop telling yourself that your voice doesn’t matter. Value your own opinion of yourself, and make it the main opinion that determines how you feel about yourself and what you’re capable of.
  7. Be courageous and face your fears – Feeling fear is completely normal and we’re all going to feel scared from time to time. However, every time you face fear head-on and overcome it, your confidence grows. Confidence comes from taking risks, getting uncomfortable and ending up on the other side. More often than not, we discover that we’re more capable than we thought which makes us feel better and more confident about our abilities. Being courageous means doing it anyway in spite of our fears. Every time you take action you build your self-confidence up a little more.
  8. Use positive body language – Having good posture and opening up the chest increases confidence. It also allows your voice to be heard loud and clear. Practice “Power Posing” to boost your confidence. You’ll not only look more confident, but you’ll also actually feel more confident. In her Ted Talk, Amy Cuddy explains “Power Posing” and shares her scientifically proven techniques. Research has shown that just standing or sitting a certain way, even for a few minutes a day, can raise testosterone levels and lower your cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and help you feel more confident.
  9. Take care of your body – While it’s true that confidence comes from the inside, we can’t ignore or underestimate the importance of taking care of our physical self. You know what they say, ‘when you look good, you feel good’. Grooming yourself such as getting a haircut or dressing nicely can boost your confidence. Find your unique style that fits your personality and lifestyle. Develop the daily habit of moving your body, eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep and drinking enough water and your energy and self-confidence will improve.

Self-confidence always starts with developing self-awareness and becoming aware of your unique personality, your strengths and weaknesses, and knowing what motivates you. It comes from understanding how you most like to live your life and what is most important to you. It comes from learning how and when to consciously shift to your predominant Striving Style when doing certain activities in your life. Learning how to do this is a critical step to optimizing your potential and developing high self-confidence, if that’s something you desire.

Now, it’s your turn.

What tools or techniques do you use to boost your self-confidence? Are you “playing to your strengths” in your life (work, relationships, extra-curricular activities, etc.)? Share in the comments below.

Photo by Pexels

Negative Habits of Mind, Perfectionism, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

A beautiful, messy, imperfect life!

Susan L. Wheeler

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.” ~ Alice Walker

The Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi suggests that there is beauty within the imperfections of life, of accepting your imperfections and making the most of life. This Buddhist teaching is all about transience and aging gracefully. While I love this sentiment and think it’s definitely worth aspiring for, I can’t help but wonder how we can embrace our beautifully messy imperfect lives when so many of us are plagued with the notion of perfectionism?

In her groundbreaking book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown shares how “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable”. She suggests that there is “magic in the mess”. Just imagine how liberating this would be!

What is perfectionism and how do we let go of it? Firstly, perfectionism is not about “striving to be your best” or about about “healthy achievement or growth” or self-improvement. Brene’ defines perfectionism as “the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame”. It’s all about attempting to earn approval and acceptance from others. Healthy striving is self-focused (how can I improve?) while perfectionism is other-focused (what will they think?).

Ironically, as I’m researching and writing this post, I find myself spending way too much time attempting to present it “perfectly”. It’s easy to get caught in the perfectionist trap of black/white, all or nothing thinking, being highly self-critical of not getting it perfect, therefore tempted to do nothing at all. I want to be helpful, useful, add value, and have a lot to share but instead of trusting myself and my experience, I get stuck researching, trying to imagine what you need, what it should look like, and how it can best satisfy you. An infinity loop of “analysis paralysis” with all or nothing thinking, focusing on the flaws, and getting stuck in overwhelm where nothing is good enough.

Perfectionism is debilitating and can limit you from trying things. Sometimes when I’m doing or trying something new and I don’t think it’s good enough, I may just stop doing it. I never considered myself a perfectionist because I never thought of myself as “perfect”. Yet, what I’ve learned is that it’s the belief that anything short of perfect is unacceptable and feeling like I wasn’t doing “it” right (whatever “it” was) just isn’t good enough. It also explains my tendency to procrastinate on things that are important to me and that I know I’m capable of. Instead of getting started, analysis paralysis sets in so nothing happens. I didn’t realize how much perfectionism is at the cruxt of procrastination. Often labelled as lazy, what’s really going on inside is the belief that whatever I produce won’t be good enough or that people won’t like it. Underneath is the fear of not being seen as perfect.

It can also hold you back from doing or trying new things until your life is “perfect”. Maybe you tell yourself you’ll be happy and accepting of yourself and your life when you lose a little weight, when you get fit, when you find love, get a particular job, have a family, or obtain financial independence. Or maybe you hold certain expectations of about how those you love should be or should act, and what your relationships with them should look like.

Perfectionism and self-criticism can manifest in many areas of your life, such as in your work or school, and in your relationships. Maybe its a small persistent nagging voice in your head, or maybe its the voice of one of your parents, your partner, or organizational or religious leaders. Do you hold an image or idea of how your life should be and when this expectation is not met, do you have trouble accepting the reality that is your life?

Just imagine if you could give up on wishing things were different from how they actually are. Imagine if you could lessen your sense of striving to get somewhere, to change something, to be more, to have more. Imagine yourself going through your days with a greater sense of acceptance – the type of acceptance that allows a softening within you that reduces the drive of wanting, wishing, or striving.

How do we let go of our perfectionism?

  1. Recognize and acknowledge it. It’s important to simply label the feeling or behaviour as perfectionism, and recognize it for what it is.
  2. Adopt a growth mindset. Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, view them as a critical part of the learning process.
  3. Set more realistic goals. Write down your long term goals, then write down smaller, weekly achievable tasks.
  4. Enjoy the process. With healthy striving, it’s the trying that really matters. Give yourself a mantra such as “done is better than perfect”; “just trying things”; “my best is good enough”; “just do it”, etc.
  5. Decide what level of imperfection you can tolerate. What is good enough? Where is your best good enough? Give yourself and others permission to make mistakes and be human.
  6. Explore your unique strengths and predominant needs. Become more aware of your unique abilities and talents, and seek out situations or opportunities where you can use or apply them.
  7. Practice vulnerability and self-disclosure in safe spaces and with strong relationships. Share your fears, your doubts, and your successes that create your story.

And seriously, who really likes being around those “perfect people” anyway! I don’t know about you, but it’s those “imperfect people” that I think are the most fun or interesting and that I enjoy the most. So why is it that we get this idea in our brains that we need to be “perfect”? Do we think they’ll love us more? Isn’t there something wonderfully bold and liberating in saying yes to our beautiful, imperfect messy lives.

Now, it’s your turn.

Are you plagued with perfectionism? What is your perfectionism stopping you from doing? What tools or strategies do you use to move past perfectionism? Share in the comments.

Photo by Pexels

Dreams, Goals, Personality, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Susan L. Wheeler

 “Give yourself permission to live a big life. Step into who you are meant to be. Stop playing small. You’re meant for greater things.”  – unknown

Once upon a time, there was a twenty-something year old woman. She was passionate, charismatic, and fun; she was independent, opinionated, and driven; she was hardworking and ambitious. She was excited and hopeful about all of the possibilities her future held and went after her goals, one by one. Others were drawn to her energy and passion, and as she worked hard to achieve her goals, inspiring others along the way. Without a doubt, she could be too much for some people, but she didn’t worry about them – they weren’t her people.  In fact, she enjoyed being a contrary force and an independent thinker. She had a clear vision for her life, her career, her relationships, and went after it. 

At the same time though, she privately battled against debilitating insecurities and automatic negative thoughts and beliefs about herself – she wasn’t “good enough”; “not worthy”; and “who did she think she was anyway” to want success or the life she desired. As she got “bigger”, her deep-rooted fears and beliefs became stronger, pulling her down to keep her in her “place”. Fortunately for her, her clear vision of her life and ambitious nature were strong enough to propel her forward despite those negative beliefs. She especially found her stride in her work and her career flourished.  

Then, over time, she began the habit of shrinking and becoming less of who she was meant to be. Those powerful automatic negative habits of mind provided the ideal rationale and justification for her to begin not partaking in her life path. She compromised her dreams and plans to avoid confrontation so others would feel more comfortable. She put her gifts, innate needs, and desires behind the needs of others, not wanting to upset others or deal with the push back. She became a shadow of her true self.

This isn’t a unique story, especially for women. Women have been socially-conditioned to put the needs and desires of others ahead of their own. Once in a relationship, or when children come along, many women put their dreams, desires, and goals on the backburner, sacrificing their innate needs and desires in the “best interests” of the family, conforming (or contorting) into ideals of being the sacrificial wife and mother.

Such was the case with this woman. Not nurturing ourselves or living authentically can trigger our self-protection system, erode our self-esteem, and cause feelings of unhappiness and psychological distress. If you are someone who has felt like you’ve shrunk yourself to live life for the betterment of others, for the family, then you know how uncomfortable and confining it can be to live such a life. When we aren’t living as the best version of ourselves or living to our full potential, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and our loved ones.

So what do we do when we find ourselves in this situation?  How do we go about trying to figure out who we are and what we want?

Here are the five steps in the SSPS* to activate yourself:

  1. Self-awareness.  Learn about your personality, your strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes. It helps to recognize when you are stressed and how your behaviour changes during such times.
  2. Current state analysis. Reflect on your current state and where your needs are being met, and where they aren’t being met.
  3. Imagine the life you what.  Envision, or re-envision, your future state, your dreams and possibilities. Define what it looks and feels like.
  4. Identify your automatic negative habits of mind. Uncover your dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, and; your fears and underlying beliefs and assumptions.
  5. Create a strategy and plan.  Identify actions and experiences of how you will move from your current state to your desired future state.

We’re all worthy of the amazing journey of finding our purpose, discovering our passions and, living our most fulfilling life. If you, like this woman, would like to start your journey back to finding yourself again and living more authentically, I’d love to help you. Start by completing the SSPS assessment by contacting me.

Now, it’s your turn.

Do you remember your twenty-something dreams? Have you shrunk yourself for “the betterment of others”? Are you currently living to your fullest potential? Share in the comments.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Communication, Emotional Intelligence, MBTI, Personality, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

Your Personality and the Pandemic

Susan L. Wheeler

“We all have an unsuspected reserve of strength inside that emerges when life puts us to the test.” ~ Isabel Allende

This current pandemic has no doubt turned all of our worlds upside down. While “we’re all in this together”, each of us is facing different circumstances and challenges. Some may be worrying about money and job security, the health and safety of themselves or others, or coping with social isolation, homeschooling, working from home, or working in essential services. Each of us will deal with the anxiety associated with our current situation differently. These are truly difficult and uncertain times and they’ve forced us to change how we interact with others in our daily lives, bringing with that a whole other level of challenges. The more we understand ourselves, our triggers, and our personality preferences, the better equipped we’ll be to make healthy choices and respond to what life throws at us more productively.

A good place to start is with understanding how different personalities behave during turbulent times. Carl Jung theorized that we’re born with our personality type preferences and it remains relatively stable throughout one’s life. While I believe that our personality doesn’t change, we are constantly changing and evolving, or devolving into survival mode. This is one of those times that our personalities will be put to the test and can trigger us into survival mode, or into our self-protective system.

Fundamentally, we’re all adaptable and resilient enough, and, as far as the Striving Styles Personality System (SSPS) or Myers-Briggs Personality Types (MBTI) are concerned, I don’t believe there is one personality type that is better equipped to handle the COVID-19 pandemic. We’re all willing and able to cooperate with others and abide by the executive orders that have been put in place. While I think that emotional intelligence is a far better predictor of one’s ability to cope with the COVID-19 pandemic (refer to SSPS for a deeper dive into your self-protective behaviours), the MBTI can offer some valuable insight into the strengths and weaknesses of certain personality traits that might manifest during times like these.

There are four MBTI dichotomies and everyone has a natural preference for one of the two opposites on each of the four dichotomies. They describe our preferences but we use all eight of them. Here are a few general things about the Myers-Briggs personality types and how they may describe how you or others respond to what is happening in our world now.  

Introversion vs Extraversion: This is where we get our energy and where we prefer to focus our attention. It may be more difficult for extraverted types to practice social distancing or harder for them to get that social interaction needed to feeds their brains. However, Extraverts might have an edge in this time of social distancing because Extraverts may be more likely to pick up the phone, Facetime people, or organize Zoom parties when they need interaction. While introverted types tend to have or need fewer social interactions than extraverted types, this doesn’t mean that Introverts don’t need social interaction as well. We’re all wired to need other human beings to one extent or another. During periods of stress, it’s important to reach out to others whether you are an Introvert or an Extravert.

Sensing vs Intuition: This describes the way we prefer to take in, gather, and prioritize information. Sensing types are drawn to the details first and are attune to tangible data and facts. Intuitive types are drawn to the big picture and pay attention to general concepts and theories and tend to be future-focused. During the pandemic, a Sensing type might receive information as follows: “we’re in the middle of a pandemic, there’s a stay home order, I have to stay at home, the last time I stayed at home for a long time was when I was sick, my house isn’t clean, etc”. For a Sensing type, it’s just what it is, and there isn’t a hidden meaning in any of this. It’s all about the process of sensation and the mind doesn’t attribute any meaning to any of these sensations.

For an Intuitive type, they receive it as “we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and there’s a stay at home order and I’m going to go stir crazy. I need to find ways to occupy myself at home, I always get like that when I’m at home for too long, why is that? I wonder when we’re going to go back to work, there are so many people getting sick, we have to be careful if we go outside. How is this going to change the world? The difference here is the intuitive response is a web of complex information and a lot of it is intangible and may or may not happen. While sensing types focus on clarity, intuitive types associate ideas with one another. In terms of this Covid-19 pandemic, one potential issue I can see in the Sensing/Intuitive dichotomy is communication. Sensors communicate in a sequential detailed way, so it’s best to use concrete language and facts and be straightforward when speaking to them. Intuitives are more likely to skip over the details and be attuned to impressions or ideas, so focus on the big picture instead of concrete data, and try to speak to their curiosity with ideas or theories.

Thinking vs Feeling: This is the way we evaluate and make decisions. Thinking types tend to make decisions based on objective logic while Feeling types tend to focus on the impact on people and use a values-based approach when deciding. With these two types, there is a fundamental difference in how they experience and express emotions. It’s not about being emotional or moody or anxious and in fact, being a feeler doesn’t mean you are overly emotional, and being a thinker doesn’t mean you’re not emotional at all. It’s about what you prioritize when you’re making a decision. If you’re a thinker, you prioritize impersonal logic, pros and cons, and cause and effect. If you’re a feeler, you prioritize values, morals, and personal principles. 

For example, if you’re a Feeling type, you might be soaking up a lot of emotions as the world is going on right now. You may “feel” what other people are going through. Thinkers may appear to respond in an overly objective and straightforward way, devoid of emotions, which just make things worse for the Feeler because the Feeler wants their feelings to be validated. This is hard for Thinkers because feelings aren’t logical. 

If you’re a Thinker, a little praise with a Feeler goes a long way. Let them know that they are doing a great job in managing their stress and cite examples if you can. If you’re a Feeler, try to practice not taking things personally and looking at the reality of the situation. It’s going to be helpful during these uncertain times whether you’re a Thinker or a Feeler to work hard to understand and appreciate differences and try to flex your style accordingly.

Judging and Perceiving: This is all about our lifestyle orientation and we orient ourselves to the external world. While Judging types tend to be structured and organized, and very mindful of time, Perceiving types tend to be adaptable and spontaneous. This dichotomy is going to play out in a very big way during these trying times, especially when it comes to working from home. Perceivers may have a harder time sticking to a 9-5 type of work schedule unless you’re already in a structured type of role. Naturally, P’s dislike routine, and let’s not even talk about micromanagement. One positive about working virtually for Perceivers thought is the ability to be more flexible with their schedules, although this could become a problem if the rest of the work team is more structured and follow more of a routine, eg. like if they’re expecting work to be done during regular business hours and they’re getting emails at all hours of the night, this could be a problem. So if you’re a Perceiving type, knowing what the preferred style is for your team is going to be very helpful. If it’s expected that you are available at certain times, set some calendar reminders so that you don’t miss appointments and factor planning into your day. Make sure that you take regular stretch breaks too. And as much as you can, allow time to complete your work when you’re at your best. For J’s it’s a different story. Judging types are very time conscious and they tend to be list-makers and planners. While J’s will likely hunker down, prepare lists and diligently work towards checking off their to-do’s, this disruption that we’re experiencing is most likely harder on them in many ways than it is for Perceivers. Judging types don’t like surprises at all. They’ve got contingency plans for most things but this pandemic has probably thrown a huge curveball to them and it make take them some time to adjust. Another potential issue because J’s are goal-oriented and they want things decided and fixed they may make snap decisions or judgments before they have the needed information to make a properly informed decision. This is very easy to do in highly charged communication situations without the benefit of non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and body language.

Lastly, if you’re like me and crave something positive, you’ll enjoy this YouTube video where Jack Canfield shares 6 reasons to be optimistic about the future. He explains the importance of remembering that for every problem we face as a society, there are many brilliant people around the world working on solutions, and that this should give us a great deal of hope for the future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj0OO3Kvjxc
6 Reasons to be Optimistic About the Future | Jack Canfield

Finally, in the words of Dr. Bonnie Henry, “stay calm, be kind, and stay safe”.

Now, it’s your turn.

How have you been coping during this Pandemic? How do you manage your stress? How do you stay positive?

Photo by Pille Kirsi from Pexels

 

MBTI, Personality, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

What makes you unique?

Susan L. Wheeler

 “Always be yourself, retain individuality, listen to the truest part of yourself.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

Do you know what makes you unique? Each of us is born perfectly unique. We can see this unique beauty in babies and children who are happy and free within their own skin. Then over time and as we grow up, social and cultural conditioning, the need to fit in, to get along, to be liked by others slowly erodes our uniqueness and in many ways encourages us to be who we think we should be rather than who we actually are. This experience of being removed from our true self can leave us unsure of ourselves and lacking in confidence, energy, and motivation. It also robs us of the peace that comes from being ourselves and comfortable within our own skin.

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”  ~ Brene Brown

Can you think back to a time when you tried to be someone you’re not? Maybe in a new relationship or in a new job you attempted to present yourself in a certain light that didn’t represent who you were. No doubt this left you feeling uncomfortable and unsure. It can also drain your natural energy and draw your awareness away from your grounded self. In contrast, being yourself is the most natural and fulfilling way to walk through your days. It leaves you feeling you energized, inspired, confident, and fulfilled.

3 things you can do to discover what makes you unique

  1. Reflect on yourself as a child. Was there something that you loved or something that you did that in some way has stayed with you? This practice or habit may have changed shape as you’ve become an adult but in its essence, it is still part of who you are. Perhaps it’s a love of drawing, a deep concern for others, or a love of nature. Maybe it’s a sense of adventure, a thirst for knowledge, a love of singing, dancing, or music. Just allow an image idea or feeling to arrive in your mind and heart.
  2. Consider how loved ones describe you.  Another way to get in touch with your uniqueness is to reflect on how others see you. How have loved ones described you? Perhaps in birthday cards, during a speech, or a conversation. If you haven’t experienced this in words, just imagine what friends and family love about you.  
  3. Take a personality/strengths assessment.  They will help you to define yourself more clearly. I happen to love personality assessments of any kind and find them incredibly insightful in understanding what makes us tick, including our behaviour, how we work the best, and what motivates us. There are many available, some of the most common are Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, Striving Styles, and many others. I work with the Striving Styles because it helps us understand our brain, our personality traits, as well as drivers of human behaviour, motivations, fears while providing a comprehensive approach to development.

We all know that life is full of ups and downs, moments of great joy and great difficulty. Throughout our life we are presented with all sorts of situations that can make it difficult to live our deepest values and share our unique self, to remain awake and aware. Family breakdown, a stressful work situation, health issues, financial troubles, or just a general sense of tiredness and overwhelm all make living our values and sharing our uniqueness hard. We can feel tempted to fall back in a daze of modern-day busyness and old behavioural patterns and habits. During these challenging times, we can draw upon our confidence and sense of self through self-awareness and being mindfully present. Through this connection, we can once again reconnect with our values, our purpose and, our uniqueness.

In this funny and insightful Ted Talk, Brian Little dissects the differences between introverts and extroverts and explains why your personality may be more malleable than you think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYvXk_bqlBk
Ted Talk: Who are you, really? The puzzle of personality | Brian Little

Now, it’s your turn.

What are your unique qualities? Have you completed a personality assessment? What did you learn about yourself? Share in the comments below.

Photo by Alexandru Dinca from Pexels

Brain dominance, Goals, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

How do you stay motivated?

Susan L. Wheeler

“What is the why behind everything you do? When we know this in life or design it is very empowering and the path is clear.” ~Jack Canfield

Did you set new years’ resolutions for 2020? If you did and you’re still on track, then give yourself a pat on the back because you’re one of the few. By February and March, goals and resolutions are forgotten and many have lost their motivation. Only 8% of people succeed at the goals they set for themselves and 92% of new years’ goals have been abandoned by January 15th. As someone who’s found themselves within that 92% group in previous years, I decided that 2020 was going to be different, so, I’m doing a deeper dive into the key success factors of those in that 8% group.

One of the main reasons people fail at achieving their stated goals is because they set them for the wrong reasons. While you may have been fueled by your temporary enthusiasm, sustaining your motivation and achieving lasting change will be challenging unless you apply the following strategies:

Find your “WHY”.

Finding your WHY is a crucial step when setting goals that you truly want. There is a big difference between doing something you think you should do and something because you truly want to. Your goals should align with your purpose and core values. You need to be clear on WHY you want to achieve a specific goal, and be able to articulate that WHY in simple, clear terms. Your WHY is the thing that will ultimately inspire you to keep going. Why do you want to live a healthier lifestyle? Why do you need to read more? Why do you think getting a new job will bring you happiness?

To find your WHY, take a look at your goal(s) and ask yourself an honest WHY you want it. Keep repeating why 3-5 times until you reach the same answer and finally uncover what’s at the core. For example, your goal is to lose weight. Why? So I can fit into my clothes; Why? Because I want to look and feel good; Why? So I have more energy for my career and family; Why? So I can be a positive role model for my children and others. Once you have a purpose and have asked yourself WHY, think about all of the benefits you’ll get by achieving your goal, and consider who’s counting on you to follow through.

Understand your brain.

Have you ever wondered what motivates each of us to do the things you do in life? Each of us has a built-in predominant need that must be met to achieve our goals and be who we are meant to be. Our predominant need and the priority of our other needs are hardwired at birth. When you understand your nature and needs, it becomes easier to consciously guide your behaviour and move towards your goals. This understanding can help you identify the blind spots that limit your perspective. You can break the longstanding patterns that have been holding you back or preventing you from developing beyond a certain point. For example, for those people with a predominant need that comes from their upper right-brain (like me), will find it natural and easy to envision what they want, however, they’ll likely struggle with breaking down their dreams and goals into small, actionable steps. On the other hand, someone with their predominant need in their lower left-brain, might find sequencing steps and implementation easy but may struggle with envisioning and defining their goals and dreams. When you know and understand the needs of your Predominant Style, you can seek help in the areas that are hardest for you to access. This level of self-awareness is a superpower. 

Shift your mindset.

If you want sustainable motivation then you need to examine your thoughts. One of the biggest shifts in my mindset was realizing that I don’t have to feel like, enjoy, or even like doing something, if it supports my overall goal, and my “why”. However, I suggest that you try to shift your mindset or change your language about a particular activity so you can actually enjoy it more. For example, if your goal is to get healthier, or fitter, instead of saying, “I have to work out today”, try saying, “I get to work out today”, or “I can work out”. Maybe your goal is to read one book per month, you can say “I get to do my reading”. This will help to change your feelings about the activity. You don’t have to want or like doing it but I do believe that the things that you do you should have a purpose why you are doing it. Do it because you have a reason to do it. I work out because it gives me energy, I feel better, and by doing it, I’m building a habit, mental muscles, and grit.  

Break your goal into the smallest, simplest steps.

“Inch by inch, life is a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard”. Once you’ve defined your purpose or WHY for your goal, learned about your predominant needs, and checked in on your mindset, you’ll need to figure out what activity is required and then break it down into bite-sized simple steps. You want to ask yourself “what is the smallest thing I can do so I can make progress and advance to meet my objective or goal?” For example, if it’s something like working out, ask yourself what’s the smallest step you can take right now. Maybe it’s something simple like putting on your workout clothes when you get up or signing up for a gym membership, or just going for a walk around the block. Figure out what the smallest incremental thing you can do. The benefits of starting small are that you’re more likely to follow through. For example, if it’s reading a book a week, just plan on reading a page, or even a paragraph, a day, and not 45 mins a day. When you chunk your goal into small, doable steps, you can’t fail. It’s less confusing and overwhelming, and when someone is confused, they typically do nothing.When you have a purpose for something, you bring life to it, but when you break it down into very small steps that don’t require a lot of energy, then little by little you can accomplish a lot.  

Create energy.

Even if you do all these steps, you need to create energy to stay motivated. Think about it. I know why I need to go to the gym, I understand my predominant need, I’m aware of my mindset, and with support, I’ve broken down my plan into the smallest simple steps. But if I’m really tired because I didn’t get sleep, or I over-ate, I won’t have the energy to work out or to read. I won’t have the energy I need to do the things to take action. It’s very hard to stay motivated if your energy has been sapped.  

So what gives you energy?  

  • Food: Certain foods give you energy, certain foods deplete energy;
  • Sleep: We know when we sleep, we recover and replenish;  
  • Positive thoughts: Negative thoughts deplete energy compared to thinking positively;
  • Exercise: Physical exercise gives you energy;
  • People: The people you spend time with can be energizing; while others are draining to be with and steel your energy;  
  • An Organized Environment: It’s easy to be distracted if your environment needs to be cleaned, or is cluttered and messy;
  • Managing Stress: Being in fight or flight mode can zap your energy. Fear and chronic stress take a lot of energy and will shrink your brain. Practicing deep, conscious breathing and meditation help.

In this Tedx talk, Simon Sinek explains why we need to start with WHY.

Start with why — how great leaders inspire action | Simon Sinek | TEDxPugetSound

Now, it’s your turn.

What were your new years resolutions or goals for 2020? Are you still on track or have you lost your motivation? Do you know WHY you want to achieve your specific goal(s)? Share in the comments below.

Photo source: Evgeny Tchebotarev from Pexels.

Personality, Relationships, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

YOU, before Us

Susan L. Wheeler

“Before anything else, find yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.” ~ Anonymous

With Valentines in mind, it seemed fitting to talk about love and relationships. What I’ve learned from being married for over 25 years, and absolutely know to be true, is that marriage can be hard, but if we want to have a healthy, satisfying, mutually respectful relationship, both partners really need to know, value, and love themselves first. Without this self-awareness, couples stay stuck in negative relationships patterns of blame and victimhood (see previous post).  If you desire a satisfying, healthly relationship, then you need to be a whole, well-rounded person with a strong sense of who you are.

I’m often asked if certain Striving Styles or Myers-Briggs personality types (click here to learn about your personality) are more compatible as romantic partners. While certain personalities are likely to be more compatible than others, personality is only one factor. Our personality influences all aspects of our life, including career choice, health status, and lifestyle, all of which contribute to our similarities with our partners. However, our upbringing, our values, our self-awareness, and emotional well-being will likely have a greater influence on our overall relationship success and satisfaction.

While it may be difficult to pinpoint a single factor that will make you and partner right for each other, we do know that when both partners are living more from their self-actualized systems, they have a greater chance of relationship satisfaction. Regardless of personality type, your overall happiness stems from the extent to which you truly understand yourself, and whether you regularly live more honestly and authentically in your day-to-day life. In fact, all of your relationships will improve when you focus on improving yourself. Understanding your Striving Styles relationship style (learn about yours here), your innate needs and strengths, your self-protective behaviours, your weaknesses, and managing your triggers, will benefit everyone in your life. 

So, imagine what would happen if BOTH partners invested the time to understand themselves, how they are each uniquely wired! And, what if they learned to appreciate and value each other’s strengths rather than wasting time and energy criticizing their differences! Despite individual personality type, when both partners consciously shift to self-actualizing behaviours, their chance of having a more healthy, satisfying, thus successful relationship, significantly improve.

“The happiest couples never have the same character. They have the best understanding of their differences.”  Anonymous

Relationship satisfaction improves when you understand and learn how to get your needs met through communication, conflict, romance and intimacy. Knowing your Striving Style will:

  • give you much-needed insight into your relationship strengths,
  • help you understand how your inner impulses, attitudes and behaviours influence your relationship style,
  • build awareness of your innate relationship needs that drive your behaviour in relationships,
  • identify what triggers or activates your self-protective behaviours in relationship,
  • help you understand how to create the conditions in your relationships in which you are most likely to thrive.

When you know your relationship style, you will understand how your Striving Style behaves in relationships, not only when self-actualizing, but when being self-protective. You will learn how to consciously shift to self-actualizing behaviours, negotiate to get your needs met and become who you are meant to be. 

Two of my clients, K & G, a couple married now 30 years, completed my This is You workshop and coaching program. Even though the workshop is focused on learning about yourself, my clients decided to participate together during a transitional time in their life and marriage. By participating together, they not only learned about themselves, they gained a deeper appreciation of each other’s differences, needs, and unique gifts. Here’s what they had to say about it:

“we were provided the knowledge and insight of our individual unique personalities and the tools and framework to navigate to be the best versions of ourselves. We have a good awareness of why and what aids in us living a self-actualized state vs. why and what triggers ourselves into an unhealthy self-protective state. Having this knowledge and the tools has deepened our relationship to appreciate our uniqueness in each other and therefore helps build each other up rather than tear down.  I can honestly say, it has been life-changing!” ~ K
“having been married to my wife for 29 years, one would think we would know each other's personalities inside and out, not so. We would argue and set each other off by triggering emotions that could end up being destructive. The striving styles identifies those triggers and how to prevent them. This is huge for the harmony of our relationship. Our 29 year relationship with my wife is back on track.” ~ G

While it can be way easier to observe, notice, judge, and criticize others behaviours, especially our partners, a couple can significantly improve their relationship when they build self-awareness and stay focused on their own behaviours, needs, triggers, and personal improvement. Valuing and appreciating each other, not just your similarities, but also your differences, will strengthen your relationship. We all know how hard it can be to change ourselves, so why do we think we can change our partners!

If you are traveling a road together, it’s so much better to be pulling in the same direction. The secret is to become really curious about your partner, and as they talk about their needs, or even their frustrations, just listen. And, now that K & G have a deeper understanding of themselves, have a greater awareness of their differences, and are staying focused on their own behaviour, they are living proof that it’s possible to make a relationship work with any combo of personalities and tendencies. And, really, what’s a better motivation to improve and better ourselves than love?

This TedX talk is so good if you’re looking to improve your relationship habits!

In this TedX Talk Dr. Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings share their observations of the 4 fundamental habits that all successful relationships exhibit.

Now, it’s your turn.

What are your relationship needs? Do you know what triggers you in your relationships? What conditions are key to making you thrive in your relationship? How are you and your partner different? What differences do you love and appreciate the most in your partner? Which ones annoy you the most? Leave your comments below.

Photo source: Photo by Content Pixie from Pixels