Boundaries, Communication, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles

Two halves won’t make YOU whole

February 13, 2021February 16, 2021 Susan L. Wheeler

“The right person makes your life take off, not settle down. The right person doesn’t change you, you change yourself when you feel free enough to be loved for who you really are.” ~ Brianna Wiest

Understanding the components of healthy relationships has been an underlying theme in many of my recent conversations with clients, friends, and family members prompting some further digging. The simple fact is that all of us are engaged in all types of relationships, in some form or another, whether it’s with a romantic partner, business partners, friendship, co-workers, children, or employee/employer. Unfortunately, for many of us our relationships are pain points in our lives, and can be challenging to navigate and can be the source of sadness, disappointment and heartache.

The need and desire for human connection is an innate need and a deep source of fulfillment in our lives, yet the ability to form healthy relationships is something we must learn. Many of us haven’t actually been taught or learned how to develop healthy relationship skills. On top of that, ads, television, film and media inundate us with unrealistic ideas of romance, friendships, and other relationships. Romantic illusions, unrealistic expectations, and negative stories ultimately lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, disappointments and overall unhappiness within us and within our relationships. For many of us, we may need to learn, let go and unlearn some of these ideas and beliefs about relationships if we desire healthy, fulfilling relationships in our lives.

One of the most damaging myths is the notion that you need someone to complete you. This belief is especially prevalent when it comes to our romantic relationships. If you believe that you need to be in a relationship in order to be “complete” or feel “complete”, you will always be looking for something you will never find. When you seek someone to “complete” you, ultimately you’ll end up caught up in a codependent relationship, obsessing about the other person, what they’re doing to us and/or what they’re not doing for us. And, PS, this can happen in any of our relationships, not just our romantic ones.

Fulfillment and satisfaction in any relationship comes from within us first. You can’t fully and effectively give yourself to someone until you’ve found it within yourself first. By whole, I mean that we’re showing up as the truest version of ourselves. A healthy relationship involves two people who are supportive of each other and each others’ pursuits and goals, and are looking forward with a common vision that they are working towards. They don’t obsess or objectify each other, or need someone’s company all the time. They are together because they truly respect, love, and value the other person for who they really are, not their idea of who they “should” be.

How to Create Healthy Relationships

Like anything worth pursuing, nurturing healthy relationships requires knowledge, skill and practice. We can’t fully give to others until we really know and understand ourselves or if our cup is empty and our energy is depleted. Essential to filling your cup is adopting a self-care practice that involves gratitude, service to others, and truly getting to know yourself.

1) Know thyself first

First, and foremost, we need to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. Pursuing healthy relationships always starts with discovering who we are, learning about our core needs, triggers, deepest fears and uncovering our limiting beliefs. We need to learn how to be kind and compassionate with ourselves, and with our unique journey. While I may not have it all together in my relationships yet, I have put a lot of time and energy into my own self-discovery, and in showing up as the most authentic version of myself in all of my relationships.

2) Fill your cup

You can’t give to others when you’re cup is empty. Relationships take energy and if we’re depleted, we have nothing left to invest into creating a good relationship with another person. Before you can give to another, you need to create your own energy. You create energy by practicing self-care and nourishing your body, mind and soul, something I’m currently working on. Nourishing your mind might involve reading, watching shows, listening to a podcast or music, journaling, or conversations with people that give you pleasure. Meditation, prayer, charity, and breathwork are just a few examples of nurturing your soul. Lastly, nourishing your body typically involves food and exercise, such as walking, stretching or yoga, drinking water, taking a fitness class, or simply slowing down and savoring your food. It’s only when your cup is full that you’ll have the energy to really look at another’s preferences, love languages, specific needs and wants, because if it’s not your specific need, it will take a lot of energy. It’s much easier to serve another person when your cup is full.

3) Practice gratitude

One of the most fundamental ways to fill your cup is practicing gratitude. Focusing on what you appreciate and are grateful for in your life will fill your heart, boosts your immune system, and contributes to your overall sense of well-being, which will naturally overflow into your relationships. Extensive research has shown that practicing gratitude is key to improving your relationships. Specifically focusing on what you appreciate and value about the other person rather than focusing on negative feelings such as regrets, anger, blame, what you’ve lost, and complaining about what you’re not getting will have an immediate positive effects on your relationships. Feelings of gratitude are directly linked to feelings of joy, happiness, and abundance. It also improves our overall well-being, self-esteem, and improves depression. In relationships, it’s particularly powerful when both people practice gratitude otherwise the relationship can easily derail.

4) Service to others

Showing and communicating gratitude to our friends and loved ones is a great way to make them feel good, makes us feel good, and overall improves the quality of our relationships. It also improves our personality by making us more positive, optimistic and decreases our self-centeredness. Many of us are fixated on wanting others to do for us before we are willing to give to them. Becoming less obsessed with getting our own needs met first, or how the other person is treating you, or getting caught up in what the other person is not doing for you, is a key to nurturing healthy relationships. Of course, don’t forget that it’s still important to maintain healthy boundaries about what you’re will or not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Waiting for others to meet our needs before we open up creates co-dependency, misery, miscommunication results in unhealthy relationships. It takes a lot of energy to give to others, especially if it is riddled with negativity or if the other party isn’t willing to work with you, so remember how important it is to know yourself first, fill your cup, and practice gratitude. If improving your relationships is important to you, then it’s worth making the first move in serving them first.

5) A shared vision or goal

Love and relationships are not about being attached, wanting or obsessing over each other, but about looking outward together in the same direction. A healthy relationship typically involves two people who support each other in the pursuit of their own dreams and path, however, still share one vision in common that they are both working towards. I recently wrote about creating a vision board. One of my clients decided to take it one-step further and organized a “date night” with her partner, and over a bottle of wine, they created vision boards. You can read about her experience on her blog icovet.ca. What a fun way to get to know each other and what is important to them and also identify your shared vision for your life. It’s also a fun activity to do with your family, and a great way to get your business partner or work team clear on business priorities.

6) Accept someone as they are

When you think about it, the very nature of a relationship almost makes it impossible to succeed. We’re always going to be mismatched on our preferences, love languages, wants or needs, not to mention needing to match or blend backgrounds, personal taste, communication styles, and values. When you start with two unique individuals and put them together to co-habitat, work together, love and grow together, you need to accept them as they are. I hope we all know by now that we shouldn’t enter into a relationship with the hopes of molding someone into who we want them to be. To have a healthy relationship, it’s more important that both partners motivate each other to become the best versions of themselves. This is not the same as trying to change someone’s nature, but understanding, respecting and valuing our differences. In a healthy relationship, both people challenge each other to pursue adventure and personal growth rather than settling for complacency, all while supporting each other in a safe and nurturing way. Ultimately, they help to bring out each other’s best selves. All of us have both an actual self – the person we currently are – and an ideal self – the person we aspire to become. In the best relationships, partners support each other to bring out their ideal self.

7) Becoming whole

Healthy relationships are always about two “whole people” who are not dependent on each other for their happiness or validation, but involve two fully functioning people who facilitate each other’s voyage of self-discovery and personal growth. So what if you’re not this “whole” person, and want to be? Realize you already have everything you need to be whole – you just need to let go of the insecurities, and realize your awesomeness is already there and then shift to self-discovery and skill-development, such as improving your communication skills. It’s incredibly powerful when both partners embark on this journey of self-discovery together as two of my clients have done (read about their story here).

A healthy relationship is one where two independent people decide that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves. If you can only do one thing, fill your cup by practicing gratitude. When your overall happiness improves, it will spill over into your relationships. Before you put the focus on someone else’s behaviour make sure you’ve put the mirror up in front of your face and invest in learning about yourself and your behaviour. Relationships require constant and consistent nurturing however, when two complete (or at least, fairly complete) people come together because they appreciate, support, love and respect each other it can be one of the most rewarding human experiences.

Now, it’s your turn.

How do you nurture your relationships? What is your biggest pain point in your relationship(s)? What do you value the most in your relationships? Share in the comments.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Boundaries, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Values

Your Core Values are your Compass

January 27, 2021 Susan L. Wheeler

“Your core values act like your internal compass which navigates the course of your life. If you compromise your core values, you go nowhere.” ~ Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

This past month my daughter was applying for university. It’s hard to believe we are at this point, but I am so excited for her and this next phase of her life. While most universities base acceptance on grades, her top choice school also requires applicants to write a personal profile, consisting of several essay questions. This definitely added extra work to the application process however I thought it was so valuable. All of the essay questions required a lot of introspection and self-awareness. One of the essay questions is “What is most important to you? And why?” After much thought, I was incredibly impressed when she said that living her core values was the most important to her. (PS, I have her permission to share this.)

I think this is such a great answer to this question because our personal core values are like our compass, and we all need a compass to know where we ought to go, where we are, and to help us figure things out. They are foundational in all of our major life areas – school, career, relationships, etc. I believe living our core values is something all of us would benefit from. Just imagine the trajectory of your life if you had figured out your core values at 17 years old! I can say with 100% certainty that I had absolutely no idea at that age. In fact, I was well into my adult life before I had really thought about them, which probably explains a few things 😉

“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.” ~ Roy E Disney

What are core values?

When we know our core values life becomes far easier to navigate. Whether we realize it or not we base many of our decisions on our values. But what are values? While it’s a term that gets used a lot (both personally and in organizations) many of us struggle to define it. Essentially core values are like your personal compass, representing an individual’s highest priorities and deeply held beliefs. They are your fundamental beliefs, ideals or practices that inform how you conduct your life, both personally and professionally, underpinning and guiding your decision-making and behaviours.

They are your personal truths, not universal truths, linked to your interpretation of right and wrong. Values are something people tend to lean on when searching for direction and a sense of meaning in their lives. When faced with a “fork in the road” decision, always defer to your values. Your values look a lot like a compass pointing you on the right path in life.

It’s hard to be confident (see this post and this post) or be true to yourself if you feel lost in life. Knowing your values is the first step to living more intentionally. They are key to being true to your authentic self and creating a meaningful life. And, to stay true to yourself you must not compromise your values. Once you are clear on what they are, you must boundary the crap out of them (read about boundaries in these two posts – here and here). Essentially, your core values are your non-negotiables.

How do you know if you are (or aren’t) living in alignment with your core values?

Our parents, media, society, culture, and our peers all contribute to the formation of our beliefs so it is often difficult to distinguish between what we’ve been taught to believe and our own personal values. If you haven’t given much thought to what your personal core values are, then you might not even know if you are living in alignment or not. And, even if you are clear on your values often the busyness of life can make you lose sight of them, and your sense of purpose, and what is deeply important to you. When we move through our days without holding these values in our awareness then we are like an explorer without a compass, and we become misaligned with what is deeply important to us. This leaves a rumbling deep within us, a quiet sense that something isn’t right, and a certain level of unease. Holding our values in our minds and hearts as we move through our days helps to guide our decision-making, ensuring that we are living life in alignment with what is important to us. The following are some common clues that indicate that you might not be:

You feel stress, anxiety, and/or overall unhappiness;
You feel lost or without direction;
Something just doesn’t “feel” right, or might “feel” wrong;
You want to “feel” something so you search for emotions like excitement like buying things you don’t want or need;
You do extreme sports to feel that adrenaline rush just so you feel something.

How to discover your personal core values

Your core values determine who you are, what you stand for, and define what kind of a life you want to live. It’s all about you and what matters the most to you, not anyone else. Finding and defining your personal core values requires being honest with yourself. If you are unsure about your core values then learn all about your Striving Style and your innate gifts and talents, and what triggers your self-protective system. Understanding your Striving Style will offer some incredible insights into who you are, including how you are hardwired, and what motivates and drives your thoughts and decisions. To discover your core values it’s important to take the time to reflect on what’s important to you.

Clearly identifying your core values will require time for self-reflection. This means that you can’t just randomly pick values from a list until you’re clear about what you stand for and what you don’t. Discovering and clarifying your core values requires some deep reflection.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

Who has inspired you in your life and what qualities about them were inspiring?
What was a time when you were at your best and why?
What qualities or traits do you admire in other people or aspire to cultivate in yourself?
What kind of person do you want to be?
What are your greatest accomplishments?
What motivates you?
Are there any qualities in others that you can’t tolerate?
If you had to describe yourself in 15 words or less to someone who doesn’t know you, what would you say?
How would you want to be described by the people remembering you after you’re gone?
What truths do you stand behind?
What matters to you the most?
What are rules that you’ve set for yourself that you strictly follow?
What rules have you made for yourself but find difficult to follow?
What have been your greatest failures, or what are things that you wished you had done better?
What makes you feel good, smile, laugh, or feel fulfilled?
What values do you envision changing, and which would you like to keep the same?
Can you identify a time when you feel you were inefficient or your efforts were misguided, and why?
What things, settings or resources are necessary for you to do your best work?
What qualities do you feel make strong, healthy relationships?
What qualities do you wish to develop in yourself professionally and personally?
What are your future goals? What qualities will it take to achieve them?
What would you die for?
What would you live for?

You’ll have a better idea of your core values based on understanding your Striving Style and how you answer these questions. Once you’ve clarified what’s important to you and identified your ideal self and life, then refer to the list of core values. Contact me and I’ll happily email you my Core Values list.

Review the list of core values and identify your top 5 to 10 that resonate with you. Choose the ones that are uniquely your values. Don’t choose one because you consider it socially acceptable or because it fits with your current situation, your family, work, culture, or society.

Living your Core Values

Once you’ve identified your top 5 to 10 core values, consider how you can embody them and bring them more fully into your everyday life. Imagine yourself in situations when you’re embodying your values and how they will look and feel in your life. Find a specific activity or situation where you have the opportunity to practice connecting with your values. Consider why your value inspires you and the moments in your life when you are or have been deeply connected with it. Is there someone who inspires you, or is there something specific that drives you to follow your values?

Knowing your core values and staying connected to them in your everyday daily life will give you a deeper sense of purpose and meaning in your life, as well as an overall sense of confidence and happiness.

Now, it’s your turn.

Do you know what your top 5 to 10 personal core values are? If so, how have they helped guide your decisions in life? Are you currently living in alignment with your values? Please share your experience.

Photo by Nick Bondarev from Pexels

Personality, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

Self-Confidence: Was she born with it? Or maybe, she just did the work!

December 7, 2020 Susan L. Wheeler

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. When you are born a lotus flower, be a beautiful lotus flower, don’t try to be a magnolia flower. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to change yourself to fit what other people want you to be, you will suffer all your life. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself, having confidence in yourself.” ~ Nhat Hanh

Who remembers the 1992 Maybelline TV commercial “maybe she’s born with it”? Didn’t you want to look and feel that confident?! I did and probably bought the eyeshadow too. Now, that’s good marketing! While I realize that wearing a certain eyeshadow won’t really make me more confident, I do know that self-confidence can be nurtured and developed. We’re not simply born with it. I’d say that’s good news if becoming more self-confident is something that you want. The bad news, like anything else worth having, it takes time and practice to nurture it.

Research has shown that we are born with our personalities, it’s our nature. Self-confidence on the other hand is something that is developed and nurtured. While some personality types might appear more confident, it likely has more to do with society’s perception of confidence. For example, an extrovert may come across as more confident at a party because they are more comfortable talking in a group. However, I think it’s safe to say that talking isn’t an indicator of confidence. In fact, sometimes over-talking could be a sign of insecurity. An introvert on the other hand could embody more self-confidence, yet not need or want to be the centre of attention or enjoy small talk.

Ideally, when we’re children our parents nurture our self-confidence in us by providing a psychologically and emotionally safe place for us to develop into our unique selves. But as we know, this isn’t always the case. Many parents lack self-awareness or confidence and, therefore are unable to effectively nurture self-confidence in their child. Nevertheless, no matter how we were or weren’t nurtured, it’s never too late to develop our self-confidence.

High self-confidence is important for overall success, happiness and fulfillment so fortunately it’s a skill that we can all develop. Self-confidence will give you the courage to try new things and to live the life you want to live. I’ve always been fascinated by those women (and men) who embody that je ne sais quoi and have been curious how they developed it. This interest is at the core of my work, both personally and professionally. And, I know I’m not alone because it’s something that I’ve heard from employees, co-workers, clients, family and friends. Many of us desire more self-confidence.

How do we develop and nurture self-confidence?

The most important thing that I have done to help improve my self-confidence has been learning and understanding how my brain is organized using the Striving Style Personality System. Knowing and understanding my unique talents, gifts and strengths provide me with a guide to what and how I do my best work. When we understand what motives us, we can direct our energy and focus, thus developing them into strengths, which ultimately develops and nurtures our self-confidence. When we spend too much time in an environment or doing certain activities or tasks that drain our energy, we become held back and our self-esteem erodes.

Understanding your weaknesses and what triggers your self-protective system is equally important in developing and nurturing self-confidence. When we live or act out of our self-protective system, doing certain things can feel difficult and we can judge ourselves harshly for it. We wonder why some things are so difficult for us, yet appear easy for others. Life can be difficult when we’re constantly fighting against our nature, and doing so, we diminish our self-confidence.

9 Ways to Nurture Your Self-Confidence

Get clear on who you are – the best way to be more confident is to know who you are. When you understand your personality and unique gifts, what you value, your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, habits, beliefs, needs and desires you can stop living life for other people and start living for you. Go ahead and use your unique voice to contribute, create and express yourself. The more you live your life on your own terms the more confident you’ll become.
Focus on your strengths – Know what you have to offer and do that more confidently. Play to your strengths, as the saying goes. Most people take their strengths for granted, mainly because they come easily to them so they assume it must be easy for everyone. Identify your unique talents and needs, then build them into strengths, and your self-confidence will improve. Your greatest room for growth is by developing your strengths.
Understand your weaknesses – Learn how your unique brain is organized, understand your blind spots and areas that are challenging or more difficult for you. Identify if you are spending too much or all of your energy doing activities or in an environment that drains you. Are you doing these things based on societal expectations or because of others’ needs? It’s a faulty assumption that the greatest opportunity for growth is focusing on your weaknesses. Focusing on weakness ultimately erodes self-esteem, whereas putting your energy into developing your strengths nurtures self-confidence.
Practice self-compassion – be a kinder “friend” to yourself and start saying positive things about yourself. Forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself when you make a mistake. Tell yourself that it’s ok to make mistakes because it’s how we learn. Self-confidence erodes when you’re continuously putting yourself down and are too hard on yourself. Negative self-talk has a major impact on how we feel about ourselves, so ask yourself, would you say those things to your best friend? We often tell ourselves awful things that no one else would say to us. Practice saying or writing positive affirmations about yourself. Treating yourself with more compassion and respect will build your confidence.
Develop your skills and knowledge – If you aren’t feeling confident in a specific area of your life, then be open to learning. Increase your competence by taking courses, reading, training, or by working with a mentor, coach, or trainer in the area that want to improve. Knowledge is power so dive into learning about your specific interests. The more you learn, the more confident you’ll feel in that area of your life. While many things can be learned through courses, reading and research, to really develop confidence in a specific area, you’ll need to put that skill or knowledge into practice. We aren’t born all-knowing so, whether you are exploring personal development, want to change a behaviour or habit, or learn a new job, sport or activity, real change and confidence come from continuous and consistent practice.
Value your own opinion – Stop making other people’s opinions matter more than your own. Your opinion matters so if you want to develop self-confidence you need to value your own opinion. While seeking help, advice or opinions from professionals or trusted friends and family is healthy, ultimately it’s your opinion that matters the most. Constantly worrying about what others think will just make your confidence go down. While you can remove negative people and their negative opinions from your life, remember, there will always be someone else out there. Speak up and let your voice be heard. Stop telling yourself that your voice doesn’t matter. Value your own opinion of yourself, and make it the main opinion that determines how you feel about yourself and what you’re capable of.
Be courageous and face your fears – Feeling fear is completely normal and we’re all going to feel scared from time to time. However, every time you face fear head-on and overcome it, your confidence grows. Confidence comes from taking risks, getting uncomfortable and ending up on the other side. More often than not, we discover that we’re more capable than we thought which makes us feel better and more confident about our abilities. Being courageous means doing it anyway in spite of our fears. Every time you take action you build your self-confidence up a little more.
Use positive body language – Having good posture and opening up the chest increases confidence. It also allows your voice to be heard loud and clear. Practice “Power Posing” to boost your confidence. You’ll not only look more confident, but you’ll also actually feel more confident. In her Ted Talk, Amy Cuddy explains “Power Posing” and shares her scientifically proven techniques. Research has shown that just standing or sitting a certain way, even for a few minutes a day, can raise testosterone levels and lower your cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and help you feel more confident.
Take care of your body – While it’s true that confidence comes from the inside, we can’t ignore or underestimate the importance of taking care of our physical self. You know what they say, ‘when you look good, you feel good’. Grooming yourself such as getting a haircut or dressing nicely can boost your confidence. Find your unique style that fits your personality and lifestyle. Develop the daily habit of moving your body, eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep and drinking enough water and your energy and self-confidence will improve.

Self-confidence always starts with developing self-awareness and becoming aware of your unique personality, your strengths and weaknesses, and knowing what motivates you. It comes from understanding how you most like to live your life and what is most important to you. It comes from learning how and when to consciously shift to your predominant Striving Style when doing certain activities in your life. Learning how to do this is a critical step to optimizing your potential and developing high self-confidence, if that’s something you desire.

Now, it’s your turn.

What tools or techniques do you use to boost your self-confidence? Are you “playing to your strengths” in your life (work, relationships, extra-curricular activities, etc.)? Share in the comments below.

Photo by Pexels

MBTI, Personality, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

What makes you unique?

March 12, 2020May 12, 2020 Susan L. Wheeler

“Always be yourself, retain individuality, listen to the truest part of yourself.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

Do you know what makes you unique? Each of us is born perfectly unique. We can see this unique beauty in babies and children who are happy and free within their own skin. Then over time and as we grow up, social and cultural conditioning, the need to fit in, to get along, to be liked by others slowly erodes our uniqueness and in many ways encourages us to be who we think we should be rather than who we actually are. This experience of being removed from our true self can leave us unsure of ourselves and lacking in confidence, energy, and motivation. It also robs us of the peace that comes from being ourselves and comfortable within our own skin.

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ~ Brene Brown

Can you think back to a time when you tried to be someone you’re not? Maybe in a new relationship or in a new job you attempted to present yourself in a certain light that didn’t represent who you were. No doubt this left you feeling uncomfortable and unsure. It can also drain your natural energy and draw your awareness away from your grounded self. In contrast, being yourself is the most natural and fulfilling way to walk through your days. It leaves you feeling you energized, inspired, confident, and fulfilled.

3 things you can do to discover what makes you unique

Reflect on yourself as a child. Was there something that you loved or something that you did that in some way has stayed with you? This practice or habit may have changed shape as you’ve become an adult but in its essence, it is still part of who you are. Perhaps it’s a love of drawing, a deep concern for others, or a love of nature. Maybe it’s a sense of adventure, a thirst for knowledge, a love of singing, dancing, or music. Just allow an image idea or feeling to arrive in your mind and heart.
Consider how loved ones describe you. Another way to get in touch with your uniqueness is to reflect on how others see you. How have loved ones described you? Perhaps in birthday cards, during a speech, or a conversation. If you haven’t experienced this in words, just imagine what friends and family love about you.
Take a personality/strengths assessment. They will help you to define yourself more clearly. I happen to love personality assessments of any kind and find them incredibly insightful in understanding what makes us tick, including our behaviour, how we work the best, and what motivates us. There are many available, some of the most common are Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, Striving Styles, and many others. I work with the Striving Styles because it helps us understand our brain, our personality traits, as well as drivers of human behaviour, motivations, fears while providing a comprehensive approach to development.

We all know that life is full of ups and downs, moments of great joy and great difficulty. Throughout our life we are presented with all sorts of situations that can make it difficult to live our deepest values and share our unique self, to remain awake and aware. Family breakdown, a stressful work situation, health issues, financial troubles, or just a general sense of tiredness and overwhelm all make living our values and sharing our uniqueness hard. We can feel tempted to fall back in a daze of modern-day busyness and old behavioural patterns and habits. During these challenging times, we can draw upon our confidence and sense of self through self-awareness and being mindfully present. Through this connection, we can once again reconnect with our values, our purpose and, our uniqueness.

In this funny and insightful Ted Talk, Brian Little dissects the differences between introverts and extroverts and explains why your personality may be more malleable than you think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYvXk_bqlBk

Ted Talk: Who are you, really? The puzzle of personality | Brian Little

Now, it’s your turn.

What are your unique qualities? Have you completed a personality assessment? What did you learn about yourself? Share in the comments below.

Photo by Alexandru Dinca from Pexels

Brain dominance, Goals, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

How do you stay motivated?

February 28, 2020March 12, 2020 Susan L. Wheeler

“What is the why behind everything you do? When we know this in life or design it is very empowering and the path is clear.” ~Jack Canfield

Did you set new years’ resolutions for 2020? If you did and you’re still on track, then give yourself a pat on the back because you’re one of the few. By February and March, goals and resolutions are forgotten and many have lost their motivation. Only 8% of people succeed at the goals they set for themselves and 92% of new years’ goals have been abandoned by January 15th. As someone who’s found themselves within that 92% group in previous years, I decided that 2020 was going to be different, so, I’m doing a deeper dive into the key success factors of those in that 8% group.

One of the main reasons people fail at achieving their stated goals is because they set them for the wrong reasons. While you may have been fueled by your temporary enthusiasm, sustaining your motivation and achieving lasting change will be challenging unless you apply the following strategies:

Find your “WHY”.

Finding your WHY is a crucial step when setting goals that you truly want. There is a big difference between doing something you think you should do and something because you truly want to. Your goals should align with your purpose and core values. You need to be clear on WHY you want to achieve a specific goal, and be able to articulate that WHY in simple, clear terms. Your WHY is the thing that will ultimately inspire you to keep going. Why do you want to live a healthier lifestyle? Why do you need to read more? Why do you think getting a new job will bring you happiness?

To find your WHY, take a look at your goal(s) and ask yourself an honest WHY you want it. Keep repeating why 3-5 times until you reach the same answer and finally uncover what’s at the core. For example, your goal is to lose weight. Why? So I can fit into my clothes; Why? Because I want to look and feel good; Why? So I have more energy for my career and family; Why? So I can be a positive role model for my children and others. Once you have a purpose and have asked yourself WHY, think about all of the benefits you’ll get by achieving your goal, and consider who’s counting on you to follow through.

Understand your brain.

Have you ever wondered what motivates each of us to do the things you do in life? Each of us has a built-in predominant need that must be met to achieve our goals and be who we are meant to be. Our predominant need and the priority of our other needs are hardwired at birth. When you understand your nature and needs, it becomes easier to consciously guide your behaviour and move towards your goals. This understanding can help you identify the blind spots that limit your perspective. You can break the longstanding patterns that have been holding you back or preventing you from developing beyond a certain point. For example, for those people with a predominant need that comes from their upper right-brain (like me), will find it natural and easy to envision what they want, however, they’ll likely struggle with breaking down their dreams and goals into small, actionable steps. On the other hand, someone with their predominant need in their lower left-brain, might find sequencing steps and implementation easy but may struggle with envisioning and defining their goals and dreams. When you know and understand the needs of your Predominant Style, you can seek help in the areas that are hardest for you to access. This level of self-awareness is a superpower.

Shift your mindset.

If you want sustainable motivation then you need to examine your thoughts. One of the biggest shifts in my mindset was realizing that I don’t have to feel like, enjoy, or even like doing something, if it supports my overall goal, and my “why”. However, I suggest that you try to shift your mindset or change your language about a particular activity so you can actually enjoy it more. For example, if your goal is to get healthier, or fitter, instead of saying, “I have to work out today”, try saying, “I get to work out today”, or “I can work out”. Maybe your goal is to read one book per month, you can say “I get to do my reading”. This will help to change your feelings about the activity. You don’t have to want or like doing it but I do believe that the things that you do you should have a purpose why you are doing it. Do it because you have a reason to do it. I work out because it gives me energy, I feel better, and by doing it, I’m building a habit, mental muscles, and grit.

Break your goal into the smallest, simplest steps.

“Inch by inch, life is a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard”. Once you’ve defined your purpose or WHY for your goal, learned about your predominant needs, and checked in on your mindset, you’ll need to figure out what activity is required and then break it down into bite-sized simple steps. You want to ask yourself “what is the smallest thing I can do so I can make progress and advance to meet my objective or goal?” For example, if it’s something like working out, ask yourself what’s the smallest step you can take right now. Maybe it’s something simple like putting on your workout clothes when you get up or signing up for a gym membership, or just going for a walk around the block. Figure out what the smallest incremental thing you can do. The benefits of starting small are that you’re more likely to follow through. For example, if it’s reading a book a week, just plan on reading a page, or even a paragraph, a day, and not 45 mins a day. When you chunk your goal into small, doable steps, you can’t fail. It’s less confusing and overwhelming, and when someone is confused, they typically do nothing.When you have a purpose for something, you bring life to it, but when you break it down into very small steps that don’t require a lot of energy, then little by little you can accomplish a lot.

Create energy.

Even if you do all these steps, you need to create energy to stay motivated. Think about it. I know why I need to go to the gym, I understand my predominant need, I’m aware of my mindset, and with support, I’ve broken down my plan into the smallest simple steps. But if I’m really tired because I didn’t get sleep, or I over-ate, I won’t have the energy to work out or to read. I won’t have the energy I need to do the things to take action. It’s very hard to stay motivated if your energy has been sapped.

So what gives you energy?

Food: Certain foods give you energy, certain foods deplete energy;
Sleep: We know when we sleep, we recover and replenish;
Positive thoughts: Negative thoughts deplete energy compared to thinking positively;
Exercise: Physical exercise gives you energy;
People: The people you spend time with can be energizing; while others are draining to be with and steel your energy;
An Organized Environment: It’s easy to be distracted if your environment needs to be cleaned, or is cluttered and messy;
Managing Stress: Being in fight or flight mode can zap your energy. Fear and chronic stress take a lot of energy and will shrink your brain. Practicing deep, conscious breathing and meditation help.

In this Tedx talk, Simon Sinek explains why we need to start with WHY.

Start with why — how great leaders inspire action | Simon Sinek | TEDxPugetSound

Now, it’s your turn.

What were your new years resolutions or goals for 2020? Are you still on track or have you lost your motivation? Do you know WHY you want to achieve your specific goal(s)? Share in the comments below.

Photo source: Evgeny Tchebotarev from Pexels.

Personality, Relationships, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

YOU, before Us

February 14, 2020February 28, 2020 Susan L. Wheeler

“Before anything else, find yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.” ~ Anonymous

With Valentines in mind, it seemed fitting to talk about love and relationships. What I’ve learned from being married for over 25 years, and absolutely know to be true, is that marriage can be hard, but if we want to have a healthy, satisfying, mutually respectful relationship, both partners really need to know, value, and love themselves first. Without this self-awareness, couples stay stuck in negative relationships patterns of blame and victimhood (see previous post). If you desire a satisfying, healthly relationship, then you need to be a whole, well-rounded person with a strong sense of who you are.

I’m often asked if certain Striving Styles or Myers-Briggs personality types (click here to learn about your personality) are more compatible as romantic partners. While certain personalities are likely to be more compatible than others, personality is only one factor. Our personality influences all aspects of our life, including career choice, health status, and lifestyle, all of which contribute to our similarities with our partners. However, our upbringing, our values, our self-awareness, and emotional well-being will likely have a greater influence on our overall relationship success and satisfaction.

While it may be difficult to pinpoint a single factor that will make you and partner right for each other, we do know that when both partners are living more from their self-actualized systems, they have a greater chance of relationship satisfaction. Regardless of personality type, your overall happiness stems from the extent to which you truly understand yourself, and whether you regularly live more honestly and authentically in your day-to-day life. In fact, all of your relationships will improve when you focus on improving yourself. Understanding your Striving Styles relationship style (learn about yours here), your innate needs and strengths, your self-protective behaviours, your weaknesses, and managing your triggers, will benefit everyone in your life.

So, imagine what would happen if BOTH partners invested the time to understand themselves, how they are each uniquely wired! And, what if they learned to appreciate and value each other’s strengths rather than wasting time and energy criticizing their differences! Despite individual personality type, when both partners consciously shift to self-actualizing behaviours, their chance of having a more healthy, satisfying, thus successful relationship, significantly improve.

“The happiest couples never have the same character. They have the best understanding of their differences.” Anonymous

Relationship satisfaction improves when you understand and learn how to get your needs met through communication, conflict, romance and intimacy. Knowing your Striving Style will:

give you much-needed insight into your relationship strengths,
help you understand how your inner impulses, attitudes and behaviours influence your relationship style,
build awareness of your innate relationship needs that drive your behaviour in relationships,
identify what triggers or activates your self-protective behaviours in relationship,
help you understand how to create the conditions in your relationships in which you are most likely to thrive.

When you know your relationship style, you will understand how your Striving Style behaves in relationships, not only when self-actualizing, but when being self-protective. You will learn how to consciously shift to self-actualizing behaviours, negotiate to get your needs met and become who you are meant to be.

Two of my clients, K & G, a couple married now 30 years, completed my This is You workshop and coaching program. Even though the workshop is focused on learning about yourself, my clients decided to participate together during a transitional time in their life and marriage. By participating together, they not only learned about themselves, they gained a deeper appreciation of each other’s differences, needs, and unique gifts. Here’s what they had to say about it:

“we were provided the knowledge and insight of our individual unique personalities and the tools and framework to navigate to be the best versions of ourselves. We have a good awareness of why and what aids in us living a self-actualized state vs. why and what triggers ourselves into an unhealthy self-protective state. Having this knowledge and the tools has deepened our relationship to appreciate our uniqueness in each other and therefore helps build each other up rather than tear down.  I can honestly say, it has been life-changing!” ~ K

“having been married to my wife for 29 years, one would think we would know each other's personalities inside and out, not so. We would argue and set each other off by triggering emotions that could end up being destructive. The striving styles identifies those triggers and how to prevent them. This is huge for the harmony of our relationship. Our 29 year relationship with my wife is back on track.” ~ G

While it can be way easier to observe, notice, judge, and criticize others behaviours, especially our partners, a couple can significantly improve their relationship when they build self-awareness and stay focused on their own behaviours, needs, triggers, and personal improvement. Valuing and appreciating each other, not just your similarities, but also your differences, will strengthen your relationship. We all know how hard it can be to change ourselves, so why do we think we can change our partners!

If you are traveling a road together, it’s so much better to be pulling in the same direction. The secret is to become really curious about your partner, and as they talk about their needs, or even their frustrations, just listen. And, now that K & G have a deeper understanding of themselves, have a greater awareness of their differences, and are staying focused on their own behaviour, they are living proof that it’s possible to make a relationship work with any combo of personalities and tendencies. And, really, what’s a better motivation to improve and better ourselves than love?

This TedX talk is so good if you’re looking to improve your relationship habits!

In this TedX Talk Dr. Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings share their observations of the 4 fundamental habits that all successful relationships exhibit.

Now, it’s your turn.

What are your relationship needs? Do you know what triggers you in your relationships? What conditions are key to making you thrive in your relationship? How are you and your partner different? What differences do you love and appreciate the most in your partner? Which ones annoy you the most? Leave your comments below.

Photo source: Photo by Content Pixie from Pixels

Boundaries, Reacting vs Responding, Self Esteem, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

How to set & honor your boundaries

January 27, 2020February 14, 2020 Susan L. Wheeler

“I allow myself to set healthy boundaries. To say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does. Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me.” ~ Lee Horbachewski

In my previous blog post I discussed how healthy boundaries are essential to our overall happiness and well-being. They’re also key to the well-being of those close to us. While we may all agree they’re important, the difficulty is actually establishing and holding others and ourselves accountable to them.

What is a personal boundary?

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.* Boundaries help us feel comfortable and to develop confidence and positive self-esteem.

Why we need boundaries

We need to set boundaries because the way we treat ourselves sets the standards for others around us. If we don’t put the effort into getting clear about what we really want and don’t want, then we can’t expect others to know how to treat us. And if we don’t define them, then someone else will do it for us. Without awareness or consideration of our boundaries, they can be crossed, forgotten, overlooked, or rejected. This, in turn, can make us feel invalidated, confused, hurt, or all of the above. And if this happens long enough, these moments can alter our reality and affect the relationship we not only have with ourselves but with others as well.

Thankfully, with time, you can develop the boundaries that are considered non-negotiables to create a healthy and happy life. According to Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear, you want to set boundaries to create a sense of internal and external security. “Boundaries allow us to be clear on our own needs and preferences, and this helps us maintain clear limits with others,” Manly said. “While some boundaries may be rather flexible in nature, our non-negotiable boundaries are absolutely essential to our sense of being honored and respected.”

Boundaries can be defined for every area of your life. When you have them, you’ll no longer wonder what to say when your friends ask you to go to a place you don’t like, or when your colleagues guilt you into joining another project team that you don’t have the time or energy for. You’ll no longer feel the urge to react to the comments on your life choices or opinions by your well-meaning friend, partner or family member. With clearly defined boundaries you will know what to say without being reactive or impulsive (previous post). How many times have you felt like saying no to a social engagement or a work assignment but instead you heard yourself agreeing because you didn’t know how to get out of it. We are prone to over-committing because we either feel uncomfortable saying no or we’re afraid that we’ll come across as rude or because we don’t want to upset other people. That’s why having healthy boundaries can really help you navigate life situations without feeling this way every single time.

3 Steps for Establishing and Honoring your Boundaries

Step 1: Identify your boundaries

Reflect on the areas in your life where you need to create boundaries the most. Then identify what you want these boundaries to help you with. For example, navigating your work environment better, improving relationships with friends, or feeling more valued at home with your spouse or children. It can be anything really and there are no limits so list as many as you like. You can meditate on this and then write down everything that comes up for you. Once you’ve identified these areas and situations you can move to the next step in the process.

Here are a couple of questions to help you get started:

When and where expressing your needs and desires feels most challenging?
In which situations do you find it difficult to be fully yourself?
When do you hide your voice or opinion the most?
When are you putting your needs last?
What makes you put other peoples needs first?

Step 2: Establish your response

Next, write down a sentence or two for each one of your chosen areas. These sentences will be the basis of your boundaries. Now, come up with a response for each of them.

Here are examples for a few areas in your life:

Your friend: Your friend wants you to go out on a Saturday night but you feel really tired but you don’t want to hurt her feelings and say no, so what do you do? You can say something like, I would like to spend some time with you but I’m not feeling well right now and I don’t want to ruin your evening so I’d rather spend it here and take care of myself. I really hope you understand. Keep your language simple expressing gently but firmly your needs and desires, while showing empathy, understanding, and compassion for your friends needs.

Your spouse: You and your spouse are having a disagreement and the conversation escalates to the point where your spouse becomes condescending and critical of you. This is making you very uncomfortable. Be very strict with your spouse and tell them that, “If you criticize me any further, I’m will not discuss this with you.”

Your work: Your boss asks you to join another team project but you don’t have the time or energy. You are very committed to your job and you don’t want to disappoint your boss by saying no, so what do you do? You can say something like, I really appreciate you thinking about me for this project but I already have a full plate with my current work load and won’t have the time to take on more and do a good job. I really hope you understand. Depending on your circumstances, you may be able to negotiate your current workload and take on the new project.

When you set your boundaries you don’t need to explain too much or get into detail of why you are choosing to do something. You want to show that you’re confident in your decisions and that your needs are valid. So make sure you don’t get into saying too much, backtracking or changing your mind. If you have an instinct to start with “I’m sorry, but…” it’s important to get out of this habit because you don’t need to apologize for feeling the way you feel, or for the choices you make. This is especially common for women as we’ve been socialized to put others needs first.

Step 3: Honour your boundaries

Once you’ve identified your areas, and set your boundaries, you’re ready to go. You need to be very consistent and firm with them. This, by far, is the most difficult step because it requires a lot of courage, pushing past fears and developing your self worth.

State the consequences you will enact to create safety for yourself. Pay attention to people’s reactions. If your boundaries make someone mad, then that person is abusing you. Be aware that the urge to slip back into old habits will be strong at first, so you need to show that you are absolutely serious about your boundaries and you’re willing to honor them no matter what. The tough part is when the people in your life don’t want you to change. They will resist and fight it because they simply aren’t used to the new you and your boundaries. They will test you and trigger you and it will be difficult at first but it will pass. As long as you are honoring your boundaries they will eventually get the message and let it go. Until then, stay firm. People will start respecting your boundaries when you really show them that your new boundaries aren’t going anywhere. Be patient with your self, and the people around you.

It’s important to be aware that you will most likely feel guilty when you exercise your boundaries, and it may take some time to fully release this feeling. This is especially true if you’re used to putting yourself last. This guilt will likely show up in the third step when you are honoring them. The more we remind ourselves that there is nothing wrong or bad about valuing our self-worth and taking care of our overall health and well-being, we will feel less and less guilty. When we define and honor our personal boundaries we show up as authentic and confident, which ultimately improves the lives of all those people around us.

I hope this helps you set your own healthy boundaries, feel more confident, and makes your life easier and more enjoyable.

And if you’re needing a bit of a confidence boost when honoring your boundaries, change your body language by doing a power pose, as described by Amy Cuddy in this Ted Talk video.

In this Ted Talk, Amy Cuddy, an American psychologist, explains how the “power pose” – standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident – can boost feelings of confidence, and might have an impact on our changes for success.

Photo source: Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels

*Wikipedia

Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Victim mentality, Who are you meant to be?

We’re better with boundaries

December 4, 2019March 21, 2020 Susan L. Wheeler

“Daring to set boundaries is having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene’ Brown

I struggle with boundaries in certain areas of my life. And I’m quite certain that I’m not alone. I believe that a lack of boundaries is at the center of so many of the issues and relationship struggles I discuss with clients, co-workers, friends and family. Both personally and professionally, having healthy boundaries are essential to our happiness and well-being, and can help transform our lives.

Establishing healthy boundaries can be very difficult. It can feel extremely uncomfortable upsetting or disappointing others. Putting their needs before our own and ensuring their happiness seems like, on the surface anyway, the best way to keep the peace. But taking responsibility for everyone’s happiness while ignoring our own needs doesn’t actually make others happy. Nor does it make us happy. In fact, you’ll actually become very unhappy. In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” Brene’ Brown describes that before she established healthy boundaries she was “sweeter on the outside” but “judgmental, resentful, and angry on the inside”. I can relate. Can you? Because really, can you truly be happy if you’re always trying to please others? I mean, I’m sure you don’t believe that people are responsible for your happiness, so why would you believe that you are responsible for their happiness? At the end of the day, no matter what we do or don’t do, I know we can’t really control the happiness of others.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behaviour or a choice.” ~ Brene’ Brown

The way we treat ourselves sets the standard for others around us. If we don’t put the effort into clearly establishing what we want and don’t want, then how can we expect others to know what we want. They can’t read our minds so if we don’t define them, then someone else will. Having healthy boundaries in place will help you realize your self worth, and demonstrate that your needs and feelings are valid and important. You’re worthy of being seen and heard and of putting your needs first. You deserve to have a voice and an opinion. Of course, for some, it may be a bit more difficult to find your inner power and firmly define your boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t do it. There’s no doubt that it’s hard but anyone can do it with time and practice. At first you’ll feel uncertain and a bit scared, and your boundaries will feel a bit shaky, but the more consistent you are, the easier it will feel. In the beginning you’ll likely feel bad or guilty if others aren’t happy, but you can’t please everyone.

Just like other people can’t read our minds, we can’t read theirs. It’s not our business to try and keep them happy or avoid disappointing them. In fact, in doing this, we also kind of take away their power from them by trying to avoid upsetting or disappointing them. We don’t need to filter ourselves for the sake of others. We’re allowed to feel what we feel and it’s not our place to manage other peoples emotions, even if it comes from a caring place. We may think we know what’s best for everyone but sometimes we need to take a step back and allow other people to decide how to feel for themselves. All we can really do is have our own boundaries in place, honor them, and express what we need and how we feel.

Having healthy boundaries can help change our lives. They can help you express your needs and desires without feeling pushy, rude or guilty, and they help you strengthen your relationship with yourself. When you get clearer about what you want, what you are here for, you’ll no longer feel the need to hide or filter yourself. The more self-aware you are (see previous post), and the better you understand your Striving Styles predominant need, fears and triggers, you be able to identify who you’re meant to be and know that you’re worthy of feeling good and honoring yourself. Your well-being doesn’t have to come last.

Signs you lack healthy boundaries

A lack of strong and clear boundaries can result in feeling worthless, weak, or not good enough. Here are some signs that you are lacking healthy boundaries in your life:

you find it diffcult speaking up when you feel mistreated.
you find it difficult making your own goals a priority.
you do things when you don’t want to. You have a hard time saying no.
you go out of your way to please others and seek their approval.
you overcommit and give away too much of your time, making too many sacrifies at your own expense.
you get guilted into doing things for others.
you agree when you actually disagree.
you feel guilty taking care of yourself, and taking time for yourself.
you feel guilty when someone else feels bad, like you are responsible for other peoples thoughts, feelings, and actions. You feel guilty when others aren’t happy.
you feel taken for granted by others.
you give your time away for free.
you do or give away things that you can’t afford.
you feel like you have failed someone or guilty if you say no to them.
you feel resentful and complain even though you agreed to the request or the expectation.
you are what others want or need you to be, and not what YOU need to be.
you are almost always comply with those in superior positions (boss, parent, etc.)
you have toxic relationships or stay in unsatisfying relationships or situation.
you let others describe your reality.
you minimise your own feelings and needs.
you do things out of obligation.
you are consumed with what others think of you.
you over-share details about your life.
you often feel like a victim (refer to previous post)
you attract people who try to control or dominate you.

If you identify with any of these then stay tuned for my next blog post where I’ll be discussing strategies and tools you can use to define, develop and honor healthy boundaries in every area of your life. While initially it won’t be easy, having healthy boundaries can really help you navigate life situations without feeling guilty or bad every single time. By leaning on the understanding that ultimately everything you do is for the sake of yours and others well-being and that you are always doing your best, you will soon realize that you’re worthy of taking care of yourself and that there is nothing wrong or bad about it, and eventually you’ll feel less and less guilty.

Healthy boundaries* include:

saying no to things you don’t want to do or don’t have the resources to do.
leaving situations that are harmful to you.
telling others how you want to be treated.
being aware of your own feelings and allowing yourself to feel differently than others.
not trying to change, fix, or rescue others from difficult situations or feelings.
allowing others to make their own decisions.
prioritizing self-care.
sharing personal information gradually based on how well you know and trust someone.
recognizing which problems are yours to solve and which problems belong to others.
communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
having personal space and privacy.
pursuing your own goals and interests.

in the following video clip, Brene’ Brown explains, in her typical humorous style, how to let go of the person we think we’re supposed to be and embrace who we are. And when we have the courage to set boundaries, we engage with our worthiness.

THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION: LIVING WITH COURAGE, COMPASSION AND CONNECTION | Excerpt | PBS
•14 Feb 2011 PBS

Book recommendation:

Now, it’s your turn.

What you would really want to do if you knew that it wouldn’t disappoint others? Which area(s) of your life are boundaries the most difficult to maintain? Which of the unhealthy sign(s) did you identify with? I recommend journaling or mediating on them. Of course, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (view of Stanley Park from Ambleside Beach, West Vancouver, BC)

*Sharon Martin, LCSW

Emotional Intelligence, Limiting Beliefs, Negative Habits of Mind, Self-Awareness, Victim mentality

Which one are you – the victim or the heroine/hero?

November 26, 2019December 4, 2019 Susan L. Wheeler

“Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim.” ~ Nora Ephron

We all play the victim from time to time, however some people do this more often than others. We tend do this because when things aren’t going well in our life, it’s much easier to blame others rather than taking responsibility. By taking responsibility we might actually have to do something to change it, and that can be a giant pain! It’s way easier to rationalize all the reasons why it’s not our fault.

Having a victim mentality keeps you stuck in the problem and less capable of finding a solution. The more you can prove that you’re not at fault, the less responsibility you’ll have to fix it. Whenever I notice myself falling into that victim mentality, I try to shift my perspective and look at my situation from a different point of view. Or, I’ll seek the opinion of a trusted friend for an objective viewpoint. But sometimes this can take a lot of effort. Many people may not even be aware that they have a victim mentality. Seeing a situation from another perspective can be especially difficult if you’re living with a deeply embedded victim mindset.

Early on in our development we learn how power and control over others affects relationships, as well as how surrendering power and control affects relationships. Generally a victim mentality comes from a lack of confidence, low self-esteem, or not having the strength to make big life decisions. Some might be afraid of losing control so they allow others to take control. This way if something goes wrong, they can place blame on others and ensure a safe position for themselves. Blaming someone justifies feeling miserable but getting caught in a loop of re-living a negative experience over and over ultimately builds resentment.

Relinquishing power and control by placing our self in someone else’s hand usually results in feeling anger, resentment, and frustration. Most people aren’t even aware that they’re playing the victim, therefore unaware of where these negative emotions are coming from. Being in a state of victim hood can reside deep within our subconscious and is often difficult to see or recognize unless someone tells us. Sadly, some people stay in this victim mentality their whole life.

“When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

How to recognize if you have a victim mindset & how to break out of it.

Set backs, disappointments and hurts are all part of life. It’s how you respond to them that will determine your happiness in life. While you can’t control some circumstances, you can control your responses to them (refer to my post Be mindful respond rather than react).

5 Ways to Recognize if you have a Victim Mindset

Everything is negative. Most things have a negative tone to them. Nothing seems to work out for you, no ones on your side, or you’ve been dealt a bad hand (refer to my previous post on negativity bias.
You ask yourself “why” a lot. Such as …why does everything in my life have to be hard. Why can’t people leave me alone? why don’t people understand me?
You ruminate over things a lot. The same negative script can go over and over in your head for hours and nothing seems to work out for you. I never seem to get …. Why bother because …
You’re your own worst critic. You don’t think very highly of yourself, feel like damaged goods and that you don’t deserve good things.
You’re often angry and resentful of other peoples gains. For example, you resent the fact that your good friend got a great new job and a big pay increase. She already has nice things, why is she always the one who gets these things. These things never seem to happen to me.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Sometimes you can slip into the victim mindset only in certain areas of your life. It can be subtle but persuasive enough to hold you back or even lower your self esteem.

5 Ways to Break out a Victim Mentality

“Take full responsibility for your actions, your choices, and your life. You made it this way. If you’re happy, keep going. If not, choose to do something about it.” ~Kyle Francis

Build confidence by creating small but achievable goals. If you’re convinced that good things never happen to you, you need to retrain your mind to see that you can win at something even if it’s small. Then give yourself time to reflect think or ruminate on these small accomplishments before you move onto even bigger accomplishments.
Give to others. Turn your attention to giving to others. Victimization breeds neediness, and the more needy you are the more you’ll be disappointed when your needs aren’t met. Meeting someone else needs allows you to rise above the victim mode and be someone else’s hero. The satisfaction you get from loving or showing love to others gives you a reason to love yourself which guards you from future hurts.
Practice gratitude. When you’re in victim mode, you focus more on what you don’t have and lose sight on what you have. You can change your perspective by spending more on what you do have. If you write them down you can re-read them and remind yourself of them later when you slip back into feeling sorry for yourself.
Get closure on past hurts. This might involve forgiving someone, or forgiving yourself. If you blame yourself for continuing to make the same mistakes over and over, or for trusting the same wrong person, you’ll need understand what draws you to these bad decisions in the first place. This will take some work and you may need the help of a counselor, therapist, or even a good friend who knows you well. Once you get a handle on your patterns you can move on to better decisions in the future.
Take ownership of your decisions. Remember, no one can make you feel a certain way unless you allow it. If you are around people who make you feel bad, are critical of you, etc. then you need to limit your contact with them. Sometimes we don’t have the option of not seeing them, especially if they’re a family member or a parent, so if that’s the case then you’ll need to set up boundaries and create some emotional distance to protect yourself from always being hurt by that person. Don’t let past hurts define you.

It’s important to identify if you are wallowing in victim mode so you can put it behind you. It’s also important to reflect on your own behaviour (see previous post on emotional intelligence). You have the power to rid yourself of the victim persona but it’ll take ongoing, daily work. It’s been scientifically proven that thinking positive enhances your life and that feeling in control of your life improves your overall sense of well-being. I’d say these make it a worthwhile endeavour.

In the following Ted Talk, Lori Gottlieb shares how you can edit your life story and live more fully by letting go of that one version of your story that you’ve been telling yourself. She explains that in order to be a good editor, we need to offer compassionate truths so we don’t perpetuate the victim mentality, not just to our friends, but to ourselves. This helps us see what we’ve left out of our story so we can come up with an alternative version where we are the heroine or hero of our life story, and not the victim.

How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb

Now, it’s your turn.

Do you struggle with a victim mentality? How do you shift your mindset? Or perhaps you know someone who often plays the victim. How does this affect your relationship with them? Share in the comments below.

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (winter daytime moon, Ambleside Beach, West Vancouver, BC)