Category: Communication

Boundaries, Communication, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles

Two halves won’t make YOU whole

Susan L. Wheeler

“The right person makes your life take off, not settle down. The right person doesn’t change you, you change yourself when you feel free enough to be loved for who you really are.” ~ Brianna Wiest

Understanding the components of healthy relationships has been an underlying theme in many of my recent conversations with clients, friends, and family members prompting some further digging. The simple fact is that all of us are engaged in all types of relationships, in some form or another, whether it’s with a romantic partner, business partners, friendship, co-workers, children, or employee/employer. Unfortunately, for many of us our relationships are pain points in our lives, and can be challenging to navigate and can be the source of sadness, disappointment and heartache.

The need and desire for human connection is an innate need and a deep source of fulfillment in our lives, yet the ability to form healthy relationships is something we must learn. Many of us haven’t actually been taught or learned how to develop healthy relationship skills. On top of that, ads, television, film and media inundate us with unrealistic ideas of romance, friendships, and other relationships. Romantic illusions, unrealistic expectations, and negative stories ultimately lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, disappointments and overall unhappiness within us and within our relationships. For many of us, we may need to learn, let go and unlearn some of these ideas and beliefs about relationships if we desire healthy, fulfilling relationships in our lives.

One of the most damaging myths is the notion that you need someone to complete you. This belief is especially prevalent when it comes to our romantic relationships. If you believe that you need to be in a relationship in order to be “complete” or feel “complete”, you will always be looking for something you will never find. When you seek someone to “complete” you, ultimately you’ll end up caught up in a codependent relationship, obsessing about the other person, what they’re doing to us and/or what they’re not doing for us. And, PS, this can happen in any of our relationships, not just our romantic ones.

Fulfillment and satisfaction in any relationship comes from within us first. You can’t fully and effectively give yourself to someone until you’ve found it within yourself first. By whole, I mean that we’re showing up as the truest version of ourselves. A healthy relationship involves two people who are supportive of each other and each others’ pursuits and goals, and are looking forward with a common vision that they are working towards.  They don’t obsess or objectify each other, or need someone’s company all the time. They are together because they truly respect, love, and value the other person for who they really are, not their idea of who they “should” be.

How to Create Healthy Relationships

Like anything worth pursuing, nurturing healthy relationships requires knowledge, skill and practice. We can’t fully give to others until we really know and understand ourselves or if our cup is empty and our energy is depleted. Essential to filling your cup is adopting a self-care practice that involves gratitude, service to others, and truly getting to know yourself.

1)    Know thyself first

First, and foremost, we need to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. Pursuing healthy relationships always starts with discovering who we are, learning about our core needs, triggers, deepest fears and uncovering our limiting beliefs. We need to learn how to be kind and compassionate with ourselves, and with our unique journey. While I may not have it all together in my relationships yet, I have put a lot of time and energy into my own self-discovery, and in showing up as the most authentic version of myself in all of my relationships.

2)    Fill your cup

You can’t give to others when you’re cup is empty. Relationships take energy and if we’re depleted, we have nothing left to invest into creating a good relationship with another person. Before you can give to another, you need to create your own energy. You create energy by practicing self-care and nourishing your body, mind and soul, something I’m currently working on. Nourishing your mind might involve reading, watching shows, listening to a podcast or music, journaling, or conversations with people that give you pleasure. Meditation, prayer, charity, and breathwork are just a few examples of nurturing your soul. Lastly, nourishing your body typically involves food and exercise, such as walking, stretching or yoga, drinking water, taking a fitness class, or simply slowing down and savoring your food.  It’s only when your cup is full that you’ll have the energy to really look at another’s preferences, love languages, specific needs and wants, because if it’s not your specific need, it will take a lot of energy.  It’s much easier to serve another person when your cup is full.

3)    Practice gratitude

One of the most fundamental ways to fill your cup is practicing gratitude. Focusing on what you appreciate and are grateful for in your life will fill your heart, boosts your immune system, and contributes to your overall sense of well-being, which will naturally overflow into your relationships. Extensive research has shown that practicing gratitude is key to improving your relationships. Specifically focusing on what you appreciate and value about the other person rather than focusing on negative feelings such as regrets, anger, blame, what you’ve lost, and complaining about what you’re not getting will have an immediate positive effects on your relationships. Feelings of gratitude are directly linked to feelings of joy, happiness, and abundance. It also improves our overall well-being, self-esteem, and improves depression. In relationships, it’s particularly powerful when both people practice gratitude otherwise the relationship can easily derail.

4)    Service to others

Showing and communicating gratitude to our friends and loved ones is a great way to make them feel good, makes us feel good, and overall improves the quality of our relationships. It also improves our personality by making us more positive, optimistic and decreases our self-centeredness. Many of us are fixated on wanting others to do for us before we are willing to give to them. Becoming less obsessed with getting our own needs met first, or how the other person is treating you, or getting caught up in what the other person is not doing for you, is a key to nurturing healthy relationships.  Of course, don’t forget that it’s still important to maintain healthy boundaries about what you’re will or not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Waiting for others to meet our needs before we open up creates co-dependency, misery, miscommunication results in unhealthy relationships. It takes a lot of energy to give to others, especially if it is riddled with negativity or if the other party isn’t willing to work with you, so remember how important it is to know yourself first, fill your cup, and practice gratitude. If improving your relationships is important to you, then it’s worth making the first move in serving them first.

5)    A shared vision or goal

Love and relationships are not about being attached, wanting or obsessing over each other, but about looking outward together in the same direction. A healthy relationship typically involves two people who support each other in the pursuit of their own dreams and path, however, still share one vision in common that they are both working towards. I recently wrote about creating a vision board. One of my clients decided to take it one-step further and organized a “date night” with her partner, and over a bottle of wine, they created vision boards. You can read about her experience on her blog icovet.ca. What a fun way to get to know each other and what is important to them and also identify your shared vision for your life. It’s also a fun activity to do with your family, and a great way to get your business partner or work team clear on business priorities.

6)    Accept someone as they are

When you think about it, the very nature of a relationship almost makes it impossible to succeed. We’re always going to be mismatched on our preferences, love languages, wants or needs, not to mention needing to match or blend backgrounds, personal taste, communication styles, and values. When you start with two unique individuals and put them together to co-habitat, work together, love and grow together, you need to accept them as they are. I hope we all know by now that we shouldn’t enter into a relationship with the hopes of molding someone into who we want them to be. To have a healthy relationship, it’s more important that both partners motivate each other to become the best versions of themselves. This is not the same as trying to change someone’s nature, but understanding, respecting and valuing our differences. In a healthy relationship, both people challenge each other to pursue adventure and personal growth rather than settling for complacency, all while supporting each other in a safe and nurturing way. Ultimately, they help to bring out each other’s best selves.  All of us have both an actual self – the person we currently are – and an ideal self – the person we aspire to become. In the best relationships, partners support each other to bring out their ideal self.

7)    Becoming whole

Healthy relationships are always about two “whole people” who are not dependent on each other for their happiness or validation, but involve two fully functioning people who facilitate each other’s voyage of self-discovery and personal growth. So what if you’re not this “whole” person, and want to be? Realize you already have everything you need to be whole – you just need to let go of the insecurities, and realize your awesomeness is already there and then shift to self-discovery and skill-development, such as improving your communication skills. It’s incredibly powerful when both partners embark on this journey of self-discovery together as two of my clients have done (read about their story here).

A healthy relationship is one where two independent people decide that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves. If you can only do one thing, fill your cup by practicing gratitude. When your overall happiness improves, it will spill over into your relationships. Before you put the focus on someone else’s behaviour make sure you’ve put the mirror up in front of your face and invest in learning about yourself and your behaviour. Relationships require constant and consistent nurturing however, when two complete (or at least, fairly complete) people come together because they appreciate, support, love and respect each other it can be one of the most rewarding human experiences.

Now, it’s your turn.

How do you nurture your relationships? What is your biggest pain point in your relationship(s)? What do you value the most in your relationships? Share in the comments.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Communication, Emotional Intelligence, MBTI, Personality, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

Your Personality and the Pandemic

Susan L. Wheeler

“We all have an unsuspected reserve of strength inside that emerges when life puts us to the test.” ~ Isabel Allende

This current pandemic has no doubt turned all of our worlds upside down. While “we’re all in this together”, each of us is facing different circumstances and challenges. Some may be worrying about money and job security, the health and safety of themselves or others, or coping with social isolation, homeschooling, working from home, or working in essential services. Each of us will deal with the anxiety associated with our current situation differently. These are truly difficult and uncertain times and they’ve forced us to change how we interact with others in our daily lives, bringing with that a whole other level of challenges. The more we understand ourselves, our triggers, and our personality preferences, the better equipped we’ll be to make healthy choices and respond to what life throws at us more productively.

A good place to start is with understanding how different personalities behave during turbulent times. Carl Jung theorized that we’re born with our personality type preferences and it remains relatively stable throughout one’s life. While I believe that our personality doesn’t change, we are constantly changing and evolving, or devolving into survival mode. This is one of those times that our personalities will be put to the test and can trigger us into survival mode, or into our self-protective system.

Fundamentally, we’re all adaptable and resilient enough, and, as far as the Striving Styles Personality System (SSPS) or Myers-Briggs Personality Types (MBTI) are concerned, I don’t believe there is one personality type that is better equipped to handle the COVID-19 pandemic. We’re all willing and able to cooperate with others and abide by the executive orders that have been put in place. While I think that emotional intelligence is a far better predictor of one’s ability to cope with the COVID-19 pandemic (refer to SSPS for a deeper dive into your self-protective behaviours), the MBTI can offer some valuable insight into the strengths and weaknesses of certain personality traits that might manifest during times like these.

There are four MBTI dichotomies and everyone has a natural preference for one of the two opposites on each of the four dichotomies. They describe our preferences but we use all eight of them. Here are a few general things about the Myers-Briggs personality types and how they may describe how you or others respond to what is happening in our world now.  

Introversion vs Extraversion: This is where we get our energy and where we prefer to focus our attention. It may be more difficult for extraverted types to practice social distancing or harder for them to get that social interaction needed to feeds their brains. However, Extraverts might have an edge in this time of social distancing because Extraverts may be more likely to pick up the phone, Facetime people, or organize Zoom parties when they need interaction. While introverted types tend to have or need fewer social interactions than extraverted types, this doesn’t mean that Introverts don’t need social interaction as well. We’re all wired to need other human beings to one extent or another. During periods of stress, it’s important to reach out to others whether you are an Introvert or an Extravert.

Sensing vs Intuition: This describes the way we prefer to take in, gather, and prioritize information. Sensing types are drawn to the details first and are attune to tangible data and facts. Intuitive types are drawn to the big picture and pay attention to general concepts and theories and tend to be future-focused. During the pandemic, a Sensing type might receive information as follows: “we’re in the middle of a pandemic, there’s a stay home order, I have to stay at home, the last time I stayed at home for a long time was when I was sick, my house isn’t clean, etc”. For a Sensing type, it’s just what it is, and there isn’t a hidden meaning in any of this. It’s all about the process of sensation and the mind doesn’t attribute any meaning to any of these sensations.

For an Intuitive type, they receive it as “we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and there’s a stay at home order and I’m going to go stir crazy. I need to find ways to occupy myself at home, I always get like that when I’m at home for too long, why is that? I wonder when we’re going to go back to work, there are so many people getting sick, we have to be careful if we go outside. How is this going to change the world? The difference here is the intuitive response is a web of complex information and a lot of it is intangible and may or may not happen. While sensing types focus on clarity, intuitive types associate ideas with one another. In terms of this Covid-19 pandemic, one potential issue I can see in the Sensing/Intuitive dichotomy is communication. Sensors communicate in a sequential detailed way, so it’s best to use concrete language and facts and be straightforward when speaking to them. Intuitives are more likely to skip over the details and be attuned to impressions or ideas, so focus on the big picture instead of concrete data, and try to speak to their curiosity with ideas or theories.

Thinking vs Feeling: This is the way we evaluate and make decisions. Thinking types tend to make decisions based on objective logic while Feeling types tend to focus on the impact on people and use a values-based approach when deciding. With these two types, there is a fundamental difference in how they experience and express emotions. It’s not about being emotional or moody or anxious and in fact, being a feeler doesn’t mean you are overly emotional, and being a thinker doesn’t mean you’re not emotional at all. It’s about what you prioritize when you’re making a decision. If you’re a thinker, you prioritize impersonal logic, pros and cons, and cause and effect. If you’re a feeler, you prioritize values, morals, and personal principles. 

For example, if you’re a Feeling type, you might be soaking up a lot of emotions as the world is going on right now. You may “feel” what other people are going through. Thinkers may appear to respond in an overly objective and straightforward way, devoid of emotions, which just make things worse for the Feeler because the Feeler wants their feelings to be validated. This is hard for Thinkers because feelings aren’t logical. 

If you’re a Thinker, a little praise with a Feeler goes a long way. Let them know that they are doing a great job in managing their stress and cite examples if you can. If you’re a Feeler, try to practice not taking things personally and looking at the reality of the situation. It’s going to be helpful during these uncertain times whether you’re a Thinker or a Feeler to work hard to understand and appreciate differences and try to flex your style accordingly.

Judging and Perceiving: This is all about our lifestyle orientation and we orient ourselves to the external world. While Judging types tend to be structured and organized, and very mindful of time, Perceiving types tend to be adaptable and spontaneous. This dichotomy is going to play out in a very big way during these trying times, especially when it comes to working from home. Perceivers may have a harder time sticking to a 9-5 type of work schedule unless you’re already in a structured type of role. Naturally, P’s dislike routine, and let’s not even talk about micromanagement. One positive about working virtually for Perceivers thought is the ability to be more flexible with their schedules, although this could become a problem if the rest of the work team is more structured and follow more of a routine, eg. like if they’re expecting work to be done during regular business hours and they’re getting emails at all hours of the night, this could be a problem. So if you’re a Perceiving type, knowing what the preferred style is for your team is going to be very helpful. If it’s expected that you are available at certain times, set some calendar reminders so that you don’t miss appointments and factor planning into your day. Make sure that you take regular stretch breaks too. And as much as you can, allow time to complete your work when you’re at your best. For J’s it’s a different story. Judging types are very time conscious and they tend to be list-makers and planners. While J’s will likely hunker down, prepare lists and diligently work towards checking off their to-do’s, this disruption that we’re experiencing is most likely harder on them in many ways than it is for Perceivers. Judging types don’t like surprises at all. They’ve got contingency plans for most things but this pandemic has probably thrown a huge curveball to them and it make take them some time to adjust. Another potential issue because J’s are goal-oriented and they want things decided and fixed they may make snap decisions or judgments before they have the needed information to make a properly informed decision. This is very easy to do in highly charged communication situations without the benefit of non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and body language.

Lastly, if you’re like me and crave something positive, you’ll enjoy this YouTube video where Jack Canfield shares 6 reasons to be optimistic about the future. He explains the importance of remembering that for every problem we face as a society, there are many brilliant people around the world working on solutions, and that this should give us a great deal of hope for the future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj0OO3Kvjxc
6 Reasons to be Optimistic About the Future | Jack Canfield

Finally, in the words of Dr. Bonnie Henry, “stay calm, be kind, and stay safe”.

Now, it’s your turn.

How have you been coping during this Pandemic? How do you manage your stress? How do you stay positive?

Photo by Pille Kirsi from Pexels

 

Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy, Self-Awareness, Vulnerability

The difference between Empathy & Sympathy

Susan L. Wheeler

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Empathy is easily and often confused with sympathy, where giving advice and judgement are disguised as concern. I consider myself an empathetic person. In fact, I believe having empathy is fundamental in my career as an HR professional, leader and coach. I also believe empathy is a requirement in the field of anthropology and the study of peoples and cultures, in which I did my undergrad. So, after reading Brene’ Brown’s book “Dare to Lead” I’ve been thinking a lot about it and recognize that I have a lot room to improve. And, also that others do as well. It made me aware of how much I crave empathy from others. Sometimes we just need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything, or to do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported. Empathy is key to developing greater connection in our daily lives, as well as within the broader world. To add or improve upon our empathy skills, we need to learn and practice specific skills, and readily distinguish empathy from sympathy.

So, drawing from the definitions and examples in “Dare to Lead”, I’d like to explore the practice of empathy. Simply put, empathy is putting yourself into someone’s shoes. It includes trying to imagine how another person thinks, feels, and moves. It includes trying to imagine what it is like to live in this person’s skin, in their world, with their thoughts, emotions, perspective, and outlook. When we practice empathy, we try as best we can to suspend our judgement, to be open, genuinely interested and curious. Sympathy, in contrast, includes feelings of sorrow or pity for someone else’s misfortune. Empathy is easily confused with sympathy, where giving advice and judgement are disguised as concern. Sympathy separates us while empathy connects us.

“Empathy has no script. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgement, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone”. ~ Brene’ Brown

What gets in the way of empathy?

Let’s explore what gets in the way of empathy. As humans we tend to respond in two ways when people share their challenges or pain with us. We either try and make the person feel better by encouraging them to look on the bright side or we attempt to offer a solution to the problem or situation at hand. Neither of these are empathetic responses. How often when someone shares a challenging experience do we respond with phrases that start with “oh, well lucky that…” or “at least…” or “if you think that’s bad…”. Here are a few examples:

“My daughter has been really sick all week”, the likely response “Oh too bad, but lucky your son didn’t get sick too”.

“My partner and I had an argument last night and it’s left me feeling upset”, response may follow “don’t worry about it, you two have such a strong relationship”.

“I’m feeling so stressed and tired with work and the family, I just feel so overwhelmed”, someone responds “you just need a nice warm bath and an early night”.

“I’m so tired of driving my kids around, I never seem to have any time to myself”, and the response “that’s nothing. Let me tell you how much I have to drive” or, “at least you still have kids to drive around”.

These are all examples of our habitual desire to make people feel better by pointing out the bright side or to make the situation better by offering a solution. While these sentiments are generally well-intended, they rarely help the suffering person. What people usually need is to feel seen and heard as this fuels connection and healing. The key is keeping the focus on the person sharing or struggling and not making it about you. Only after this soothing experience of connection and empathy can people be open to solutions to their problems or the glass half full approach.

Here are some examples of more empathetic responses:

“Oh it sounds like you’ve had a really rough week” or “I can feel your pain” or “it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on in your life right now”. It is worth taking a moment to reflect on our tendency to respond to other peoples challenges the way we habitually do. Our human tendency to offer solutions or to make people see the bright side may actually be a way for us avoiding this sense of shared vulnerability. For in focusing on the solution or the glass half full perspective, we can brush off the sadness or vulnerability that is present for the other. This in turn protects us from our own vulnerabilities. And here we are reminded that the path of self awareness requires us to show courage and to face our vulnerabilities with a sense of shared curiosity.

In this short video Brene’ Brown explains the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Brene’ Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy

Now, it’s your turn.

When you’re sharing a challenging experience with someone, what are the empathy misses that shut you down? What emotions come up for you when your sharing meets one of these barriers? On the flip side, how do you rate your empathetic skill? Are there one or two responses that you typically use that you need to change? Share your responses in the comments below.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

Communication, Mindfulness, React vs Respond

Are you listening?

Susan L. Wheeler

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen.  Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”


Rachel Naomi Remen

Becoming a better listener takes a lot of effort, practice, and patience but one of the best gifts we can give a partner, friend, child, or colleague is taking the time to truly listen to them.  We derive some of our greatest joy and life lessons from our relationships and being a really good listener is one of the keys to supporting great relationships of all kinds.

While some people seem to be born with the gift of listening, most of us need a little (or a lot of) practice to develop listening skills, and mindfulness can help. Mindfulness is a way of paying attention with empathy and openness without judgement. When you listen mindfully, you are fully present and able to take in what the other person is saying. You aren’t formulating an opinion or judgment about what they are saying or distracted by your phone. You are simply giving them the gift of your undivided attention.

Ask yourself: How often are you truly listening when you’re in a conversation? As humans, our minds are constantly absorbed by our own thoughts, and this can significantly impact how well we listen. Listening is something we’ve been conditioned to do our whole lives—but there are levels of it. Listening is a conscious act that we must decide to do. Listening without judgment, assumptions, and distractions is a choice.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.”

Stephen R. Covey

I’m sure you’ll agree with Stephen R. Covey’s well known quote that “most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.”   I’m also fairly confident that we’ve all met people in our lives who do this.  In fact, we’ve most likely been that person – jumping in, butting in, or telling them how much their experience is so similar to the experience we’ve had.  Or, wanting to jump in and fix things.  Our brains are hard-wired to fix things and so we look for problems we can fix.  But sometimes we don’t need or want someone to fix our problems – sometimes we just want someone to listen to them.  In any relationship, whether at work, at school, and especially at home, listening is a powerful act of presence and love. We can listen to the words that they are saying, and we can listen to the words that they are not saying, but conveying with their bodies.  In any situation, being able to be there, with presence and deep listening, is a powerful act. 

In a study published in a journal of family psychology in 2012, researchers found that partners’ relationships satisfaction increased when they perceived that their partner was making an effort to read what they were thinking and feeling regardless of the level accuracy.  On the flip side, a lack of empathy can make a relationship feel like it lacks intimacy and connection, as well as increase the amount of conflict and negativity between partners. 

What is Empathic Listening? 

Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretations, you’re listening to understand . Empathetic listening is essentially listening to another and putting ourselves in their shoes.  You remain empathically connected to yourself and the other, rather than triggered and defensive. When we feel safe enough to be present, we are more likely to express ourselves authentically, and thus more likely to be listened to, validated and valued in return.   

“A relationship is about having a dedicated person to make you feel seen and heard. You will rarely feel seen and heard by someone who lacks empathy.”

Kyle D. Jones

Why empathic listening is important?

Communication is the cornerstone of everything that’s important in life. Whether it’s building your career, being a great spouse, or learning to be an awesome parent, if you don’t communicate well, you will struggle in all those areas.  Empathic listening is just a better way to listen.

Don’t confuse empathy with sympathy, however. We aren’t trying to feel sorry for the other person. We are trying to relate and understand where they are coming from.  Sympathy has a way of making us feel superior. In this situation, it’s vital to remain equals. It’s putting ourselves in the shoes of others, not so we can feel sorry for them or offer constructive feedback. Instead, it simply allows us to fully understand what they are going through so they feel heard and supported.

Empathic listening is very powerful.  People hunger all their lives to express what’s on their mind, be heard, and to be acknowledged—but rarely get enough.This is especially evident if something really good or bad happens in life.  A bad listener conveys that you don’t matter. Equally, if you tell an important story and the other person’s response is to tell their own, you feel dismissed and trivialized. In the process of being listened to we experience that what we feel matters, what we’re saying is legitimate, it counts, and that someone understands us. If someone understands us, in turn, we feel like our experience means something and is real.

Now Your Turn

Try this powerful exercise: Ask someone you are close with a question and simply listen to them.  LISTEN without trying to fix anything.  Listen with the only purpose to understand how they are feeling and what they are saying.  Begin to notice how this transforms the interaction. Share your experience in the comments below.

Communication, Emotional Intelligence

How’s your emotional literacy?

Susan L. Wheeler

“And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.” ~ Jane Austen

Knowing how you feel and how to accurately identify your emotions through words – spoken or written – is a powerful way to improve our connections with others, build understanding, and enriches our relationships.  Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.  Learning the language of emotions is difficult, and describing your feelings is tough.  At least it is for most of us.  According to Brene’ Brown’s research, the majority of people she interviewed are not comfortable with emotions and far from “fluent in the language of feelings”.

What is an emotional vocabulary?

An emotional vocabulary is one in which language accurately describes how you are feeling. While parents or adults often encourage kids to express their feelings with words (we tell them to “use your words”) we often fall short ourselves.  We often instinctively restrict our vocabulary to anything but the broadest terms (such as “angry” or “happy”) or adopt lingo (like “cool” or “awesome”) to abstract and generalize our feelings.

Why are emotions so hard to explain?

Emotions are very nuanced, with slightly different meanings, and can be very hard to explain. Imagine trying to describe a particular shade of blue – is it more purple than green? Bright or dark? Is there a specific name for that shade such as sky, navy, or indigo?

Emotions are often mixed, and to explain them, you need to be able to identify and label the tones of emotion that make up what you feel. This can be difficult for people who are adept at expressing themselves emotionally, forget those of us who haven’t had much practice developing those capacities for recognizing what we feel.

As a result, we will often forget how to express our emotions verbally, even resorting to emojis, LOL’s, etc. my personal go-to’s, ;), to clarify our feelings. These behaviors are not only adopted by our kids but encouraged culturally as the very speed of communications shortcuts vocabulary and expression to anything but the mere essentials.

Why emotional literacy is so important.

Many of us only know or rely on a few emotional descriptive words, such as mad, sad, happy. How often do you use an emotional word in everyday speech? Can you describe your emotions?   Many of us haven’t been taught.  If our family didn’t discuss emotions on a regular basis, or we were shut down when you tried, we wouldn’t have learned all the ways they can be described and communicated.

Emotional literacy is an important aspect of language.  If we can’t name or articulate what’s happening to us emotionally, we can’t address it correctly.  Much like when you go to the doctor and you are must describe your symptoms.  Without the right descriptions or words, the doctor is unable to accurately diagnose you, and therefore, offer the right prescription or treatment.

Learning to use accurate feeling words when expressing ourselves supports emotional growth.  Developing and expanding our emotional vocabulary will help us approach feelings and relationships in a more sophisticated and well-adjusted way.

Here are some words to describe emotions (from Brene Brown):

Anger

Anxious

Belonging

Blame

Curious

Disappointed

Disgust

Embarrassment

Empathy

Excited

Fear| Scared

Frustrated

Gratitude

Grief

Guilt

 

Happy

Humiliation

Hurt

Jealous

Joy

Judgment

Lonely

Love

Overwhelmed

Regret

Sad

Shame

Surprised

Vulnerability

Worried

 

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (lavender fields in Provence, France)