Personality, Relationships, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

YOU, before Us

“Before anything else, find yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.” ~ Anonymous

With Valentines in mind, it seemed fitting to talk about love and relationships. What I’ve learned from being married for over 25 years, and absolutely know to be true, is that marriage can be hard, but if we want to have a healthy, satisfying, mutually respectful relationship, both partners really need to know, value, and love themselves first. Without this self-awareness, couples stay stuck in negative relationships patterns of blame and victimhood (see previous post).  If you desire a satisfying, healthly relationship, then you need to be a whole, well-rounded person with a strong sense of who you are.

I’m often asked if certain Striving Styles or Myers-Briggs personality types (click here to learn about your personality) are more compatible as romantic partners. While certain personalities are likely to be more compatible than others, personality is only one factor. Our personality influences all aspects of our life, including career choice, health status, and lifestyle, all of which contribute to our similarities with our partners. However, our upbringing, our values, our self-awareness, and emotional well-being will likely have a greater influence on our overall relationship success and satisfaction.

While it may be difficult to pinpoint a single factor that will make you and partner right for each other, we do know that when both partners are living more from their self-actualized systems, they have a greater chance of relationship satisfaction. Regardless of personality type, your overall happiness stems from the extent to which you truly understand yourself, and whether you regularly live more honestly and authentically in your day-to-day life. In fact, all of your relationships will improve when you focus on improving yourself. Understanding your Striving Styles relationship style (learn about yours here), your innate needs and strengths, your self-protective behaviours, your weaknesses, and managing your triggers, will benefit everyone in your life. 

So, imagine what would happen if BOTH partners invested the time to understand themselves, how they are each uniquely wired! And, what if they learned to appreciate and value each other’s strengths rather than wasting time and energy criticizing their differences! Despite individual personality type, when both partners consciously shift to self-actualizing behaviours, their chance of having a more healthy, satisfying, thus successful relationship, significantly improve.

“The happiest couples never have the same character. They have the best understanding of their differences.”  Anonymous

Relationship satisfaction improves when you understand and learn how to get your needs met through communication, conflict, romance and intimacy. Knowing your Striving Style will:

  • give you much-needed insight into your relationship strengths,
  • help you understand how your inner impulses, attitudes and behaviours influence your relationship style,
  • build awareness of your innate relationship needs that drive your behaviour in relationships,
  • identify what triggers or activates your self-protective behaviours in relationship,
  • help you understand how to create the conditions in your relationships in which you are most likely to thrive.

When you know your relationship style, you will understand how your Striving Style behaves in relationships, not only when self-actualizing, but when being self-protective. You will learn how to consciously shift to self-actualizing behaviours, negotiate to get your needs met and become who you are meant to be. 

Two of my clients, K & G, a couple married now 30 years, completed my This is You workshop and coaching program. Even though the workshop is focused on learning about yourself, my clients decided to participate together during a transitional time in their life and marriage. By participating together, they not only learned about themselves, they gained a deeper appreciation of each other’s differences, needs, and unique gifts. Here’s what they had to say about it:

“we were provided the knowledge and insight of our individual unique personalities and the tools and framework to navigate to be the best versions of ourselves. We have a good awareness of why and what aids in us living a self-actualized state vs. why and what triggers ourselves into an unhealthy self-protective state. Having this knowledge and the tools has deepened our relationship to appreciate our uniqueness in each other and therefore helps build each other up rather than tear down.  I can honestly say, it has been life-changing!” ~ K
“having been married to my wife for 29 years, one would think we would know each other's personalities inside and out, not so. We would argue and set each other off by triggering emotions that could end up being destructive. The striving styles identifies those triggers and how to prevent them. This is huge for the harmony of our relationship. Our 29 year relationship with my wife is back on track.” ~ G

While it can be way easier to observe, notice, judge, and criticize others behaviours, especially our partners, a couple can significantly improve their relationship when they build self-awareness and stay focused on their own behaviours, needs, triggers, and personal improvement. Valuing and appreciating each other, not just your similarities, but also your differences, will strengthen your relationship. We all know how hard it can be to change ourselves, so why do we think we can change our partners!

If you are traveling a road together, it’s so much better to be pulling in the same direction. The secret is to become really curious about your partner, and as they talk about their needs, or even their frustrations, just listen. And, now that K & G have a deeper understanding of themselves, have a greater awareness of their differences, and are staying focused on their own behaviour, they are living proof that it’s possible to make a relationship work with any combo of personalities and tendencies. And, really, what’s a better motivation to improve and better ourselves than love?

This TedX talk is so good if you’re looking to improve your relationship habits!

In this TedX Talk Dr. Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings share their observations of the 4 fundamental habits that all successful relationships exhibit.

Now, it’s your turn.

What are your relationship needs? Do you know what triggers you in your relationships? What conditions are key to making you thrive in your relationship? How are you and your partner different? What differences do you love and appreciate the most in your partner? Which ones annoy you the most? Leave your comments below.

Photo source: Photo by Content Pixie from Pixels

Limiting Beliefs, Negative Habits of Mind, React vs Respond, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

What’s on your mind?

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.” ~ Wayne Dyer

From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep at night, your mindset is up to you. You are the creator of your emotions, your thoughts, your perceptions, and your reactions. I don’t know about you, but I think this is exiting! This means that if you are stuck in a loop of negativity, or if you aren’t happy with certain aspects of your life, you have the power to change it. Neuroscience has proven that we can actually rewire our brain. Having the right mindset can quite literally change your life.

So, are you tired of your thoughts holding you back making you feel like a smaller, more stressed, distracted or disconnected version of who you really are deep inside? Do you want to quiet that inner critic that whispers that you aren’t good enough, that you should have done better, or that you need to be more? Do you want less time feeling distracted, caught in your head worrying or ruminating or planning, and have more time engaged with people or things that light you up? I don’t know about you, but I am and yes I do!

If you’re like me and recognize yourself in any of these, we can take some comfort in knowing that we’re not alone. We all have thoughts that limit us, that make us feel unsure of ourselves, close us off to others, shy away from opportunities and experiences. This is a natural part of being human.

But in order to understand our limiting thoughts more fully, we first need to understand how our brains work. Our brains are complex and amazing, made up with different parts and with different functions. The part we are interested in here is our reptilian brain, the oldest part of our brain that processes threats to our safety and survival, our fight or flight response, and responsible for our negativity bias (see previous post). This negativity bias means we are wired to notice threats more than opportunities for pleasure. While thousands of years ago this negativity bias served a purpose, today it wreaks havoc on our thoughts, which holds us back from our achieving our full potential.

When our brains are naturally geared to notice threats more than pleasures, fear more than love, criticism over compassion, judgement over acceptance, our thoughts are affected. Then add modern day busyness, social media, stress and overwhelm, and these thoughts get louder and more frequent, playing on repeat until they are so familiar that we actually think these thoughts are who we are at our core. Ugh! So, if these types of thoughts have been wired into our brain, how can we break free?

To fundamentally change the way we act, think, and feel, we must act greater than our environment and our present reality. We must understand how are unique brains are wired (complete the SSPS assessment to learn about yours). We must believe, dream, and envision a future reality greater than our present. And we must unhook and break free from our negative thoughts.

Three Steps to Break Free from Negative Thoughts

1) Cultivate a keen sense of awareness and curiosity towards your thoughts. In doing so, our thoughts lose their power and become less real. From here a sense of perspective grows, and we have a choice as how we’d like to respond (see previous post) to these thoughts. With choice comes freedom, freedom to become the person we want to be deep down below the chatter of our mind. Knowing we have a choice is both empowering and liberating.

2) Accept that these thoughts are a natural part of being human. When we allow these thoughts and accept them for what they are, we can offer them and ourselves some compassion. These thoughts are after all just trying to protect us from that perceived danger.

3) Intentionally orientate your mind away from the natural negativity bias (see post) and towards what is productive and positive. Orientate your mind away from fear based thinking and towards compassion, acceptance, connection, gratitude.

The two main reasons negative thoughts continue are because 1) we believe or buy into them, and 2) we try pushing them away or eliminating them. Both of these approaches give thoughts more energy. Getting rid or pushing these negative or unhelpful thoughts away doesn’t work. It just causes them to be more prevalent.

Essentially, we aren’t trying to eliminate our negative thoughts. We’re simply changing our relationship with them. We’re recognizing that they are normal, acknowledging and allowing them. We’re removing their power and impact, and making space for them so they can come and go without the intensity. And finally, we’re choosing to move towards our goals or potential anyway, even if with these unhelpful or negative thoughts are whispering in the background.

The late Dr. Wayne Dyer explains the power of taking responsibility for changing your thoughts in this inspirational video “5 lessons to live by”.

Dr. Wayne Dyer – 5 Lesson’s to Live By

Now, it’s your turn.

What negative thought(s) do you struggle with? How are they getting in your way of achieving your goals or dreams? Share in the comments below.

My book recommendation:

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (cocktail hour on the dock in the Cariboo, BC)

Personality, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

How do you shine?

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Do you know who you are? What your unique gifts are? Each of us are born perfectly unique. We can see this unique beauty in babies and children who are happy and free within their own skin. Then, over time and as we grow up, social and cultural conditioning, the need to fit in, to get along, and to be liked by others, slowly erodes our uniqueness, and in many ways, encourages us to be who we think we should be rather than who we actually are. This experience of being removed from our true self can leave us unsure of ourselves and lacking in confidence, energy and motivation. It can also rob us of the peace that comes from being ourselves and being comfortable in our own skin.

Knowing who you are meant to be starts with knowing what you are born as. Too often people try to figure out what they are meant to do without having any idea about who they really are. This disconnect causes them to look outside of themselves for answers to questions that can only be answered from within. It also causes us to strive to be what others expect of us and to give up on ourselves and instead try to live up to an ideal, to be the person that we think we should be, rather than based on who we authentically are.

We’re are all driven by powerful, instinctual needs that we’ve had since birth – our predominant style or Striving Style (SSPS). These needs are the source of our motivation for our behaviour, social interaction, and influence how we behave and how we feel about ourselves. When our predominant need is met, we are poised for growth and development.

However, when our predominant needs are not being met, we will feel threatened, frightened or anxious, leading to self-protective or survival behaviours. Fear and anxiety override rational thought which will profoundly influence our behaviour, often without our awareness, thus undermining our success and effectiveness.

Have you ever got to the end of the day and felt like somehow your day was hijacked? Or maybe you’ve spent to much time reacting, caught up in some drama or just consumed with a sense of busyness. Do you ever feel uneasy, or have a quiet of rumbling deep inside that something isn’t right. This means you are living out of your self-protective systems. When I have a day (or week) like this I’ll reflect on the predominant needs of my striving style and make a plan on how I need to shift out of my self-protective system. If you’re unaware of your predominant needs you will be at the mercy of your unconscious impulses, emotions and negative habits of mind, leading to reactive, non-productive behaviour, increased emotionality, and an inability to focus on your goals.

The SSPS gets to the heart of the human experience and helps you identify what you need to feel secure and psychologically stable so you can grow and develop. As well, it provides you with insight into the consequences when you don’t get your predominant needs met. The SSPS doesn’t provide a laundry list of strengths and weaknesses but rather, it takes into account the complexity of your brain’s functioning and its impact on your personality.

Coming to understand yourself, recognizing and expressing your uniqueness and who you really are will make you feel more creative, confident, energized and inspired. Your personality, your unique history and story is like no one else’s. Living a life with authenticity, meaning and purpose is ultimately what a happy and fulfilled life looks like.

I love this beautiful (and fitting) song that I have currently playing on repeat. Enjoy!

Astral Plane by Valerie June

Now, it’s your turn.

Think about a time recently that you felt really happy and content, like in that moment you had everything you needed. Who was there? What were you doing? How did you feel when you were in this moment of happiness?

How about a time that you felt inspired motivated or purposeful. When you felt you were focused, in the zone. How did it feel to be inspired in this way?

What about a time when you felt moved by something more- a beautiful sunset, a night sky, the ocean an overwhelming experience of love or compassion.

Share your thoughts in the comments.

Photo by James Wheeler from Pexels