Category: Negative Habits of Mind

Negative Habits of Mind, Perfectionism, Self-Awareness, Self-Confidence, Striving Styles, Who are you meant to be?

A beautiful, messy, imperfect life!

Susan L. Wheeler

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.” ~ Alice Walker

The Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi suggests that there is beauty within the imperfections of life, of accepting your imperfections and making the most of life. This Buddhist teaching is all about transience and aging gracefully. While I love this sentiment and think it’s definitely worth aspiring for, I can’t help but wonder how we can embrace our beautifully messy imperfect lives when so many of us are plagued with the notion of perfectionism?

In her groundbreaking book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown shares how “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable”. She suggests that there is “magic in the mess”. Just imagine how liberating this would be!

What is perfectionism and how do we let go of it? Firstly, perfectionism is not about “striving to be your best” or about about “healthy achievement or growth” or self-improvement. Brene’ defines perfectionism as “the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame”. It’s all about attempting to earn approval and acceptance from others. Healthy striving is self-focused (how can I improve?) while perfectionism is other-focused (what will they think?).

Ironically, as I’m researching and writing this post, I find myself spending way too much time attempting to present it “perfectly”. It’s easy to get caught in the perfectionist trap of black/white, all or nothing thinking, being highly self-critical of not getting it perfect, therefore tempted to do nothing at all. I want to be helpful, useful, add value, and have a lot to share but instead of trusting myself and my experience, I get stuck researching, trying to imagine what you need, what it should look like, and how it can best satisfy you. An infinity loop of “analysis paralysis” with all or nothing thinking, focusing on the flaws, and getting stuck in overwhelm where nothing is good enough.

Perfectionism is debilitating and can limit you from trying things. Sometimes when I’m doing or trying something new and I don’t think it’s good enough, I may just stop doing it. I never considered myself a perfectionist because I never thought of myself as “perfect”. Yet, what I’ve learned is that it’s the belief that anything short of perfect is unacceptable and feeling like I wasn’t doing “it” right (whatever “it” was) just isn’t good enough. It also explains my tendency to procrastinate on things that are important to me and that I know I’m capable of. Instead of getting started, analysis paralysis sets in so nothing happens. I didn’t realize how much perfectionism is at the cruxt of procrastination. Often labelled as lazy, what’s really going on inside is the belief that whatever I produce won’t be good enough or that people won’t like it. Underneath is the fear of not being seen as perfect.

It can also hold you back from doing or trying new things until your life is “perfect”. Maybe you tell yourself you’ll be happy and accepting of yourself and your life when you lose a little weight, when you get fit, when you find love, get a particular job, have a family, or obtain financial independence. Or maybe you hold certain expectations of about how those you love should be or should act, and what your relationships with them should look like.

Perfectionism and self-criticism can manifest in many areas of your life, such as in your work or school, and in your relationships. Maybe its a small persistent nagging voice in your head, or maybe its the voice of one of your parents, your partner, or organizational or religious leaders. Do you hold an image or idea of how your life should be and when this expectation is not met, do you have trouble accepting the reality that is your life?

Just imagine if you could give up on wishing things were different from how they actually are. Imagine if you could lessen your sense of striving to get somewhere, to change something, to be more, to have more. Imagine yourself going through your days with a greater sense of acceptance – the type of acceptance that allows a softening within you that reduces the drive of wanting, wishing, or striving.

How do we let go of our perfectionism?

  1. Recognize and acknowledge it. It’s important to simply label the feeling or behaviour as perfectionism, and recognize it for what it is.
  2. Adopt a growth mindset. Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, view them as a critical part of the learning process.
  3. Set more realistic goals. Write down your long term goals, then write down smaller, weekly achievable tasks.
  4. Enjoy the process. With healthy striving, it’s the trying that really matters. Give yourself a mantra such as “done is better than perfect”; “just trying things”; “my best is good enough”; “just do it”, etc.
  5. Decide what level of imperfection you can tolerate. What is good enough? Where is your best good enough? Give yourself and others permission to make mistakes and be human.
  6. Explore your unique strengths and predominant needs. Become more aware of your unique abilities and talents, and seek out situations or opportunities where you can use or apply them.
  7. Practice vulnerability and self-disclosure in safe spaces and with strong relationships. Share your fears, your doubts, and your successes that create your story.

And seriously, who really likes being around those “perfect people” anyway! I don’t know about you, but it’s those “imperfect people” that I think are the most fun or interesting and that I enjoy the most. So why is it that we get this idea in our brains that we need to be “perfect”? Do we think they’ll love us more? Isn’t there something wonderfully bold and liberating in saying yes to our beautiful, imperfect messy lives.

Now, it’s your turn.

Are you plagued with perfectionism? What is your perfectionism stopping you from doing? What tools or strategies do you use to move past perfectionism? Share in the comments.

Photo by Pexels

Emotional Intelligence, Limiting Beliefs, Negative Habits of Mind, Self-Awareness, Victim mentality

Which one are you – the victim or the heroine/hero?

Susan L. Wheeler

“Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim.” ~ Nora Ephron

We all play the victim from time to time, however some people do this more often than others. We tend do this because when things aren’t going well in our life, it’s much easier to blame others rather than taking responsibility. By taking responsibility we might actually have to do something to change it, and that can be a giant pain! It’s way easier to rationalize all the reasons why it’s not our fault.

Having a victim mentality keeps you stuck in the problem and less capable of finding a solution. The more you can prove that you’re not at fault, the less responsibility you’ll have to fix it. Whenever I notice myself falling into that victim mentality, I try to shift my perspective and look at my situation from a different point of view. Or, I’ll seek the opinion of a trusted friend for an objective viewpoint. But sometimes this can take a lot of effort. Many people may not even be aware that they have a victim mentality. Seeing a situation from another perspective can be especially difficult if you’re living with a deeply embedded victim mindset.

Early on in our development we learn how power and control over others affects relationships, as well as how surrendering power and control affects relationships. Generally a victim mentality comes from a lack of confidence, low self-esteem, or not having the strength to make big life decisions. Some might be afraid of losing control so they allow others to take control. This way if something goes wrong, they can place blame on others and ensure a safe position for themselves. Blaming someone justifies feeling miserable but getting caught in a loop of re-living a negative experience over and over ultimately builds resentment.

Relinquishing power and control by placing our self in someone else’s hand usually results in feeling anger, resentment, and frustration. Most people aren’t even aware that they’re playing the victim, therefore unaware of where these negative emotions are coming from. Being in a state of victim hood can reside deep within our subconscious and is often difficult to see or recognize unless someone tells us. Sadly, some people stay in this victim mentality their whole life.

“When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

How to recognize if you have a victim mindset & how to break out of it.

Set backs, disappointments and hurts are all part of life.  It’s how you respond to them that will determine your happiness in life.  While you can’t control some circumstances, you can control your responses to them (refer to my post Be mindful respond rather than react).

5 Ways to Recognize if you have a Victim Mindset

  1. Everything is negative. Most things have a negative tone to them. Nothing seems to work out for you, no ones on your side, or you’ve been dealt a bad hand (refer to my previous post on negativity bias.
  2. You ask yourself “why” a lot.  Such as …why does everything in my life have to be hard.  Why can’t people leave me alone? why don’t people understand me?
  3. You ruminate over things a lot. The same negative script can go over and over in your head for hours and nothing seems to work out for you.  I never seem to get  ….  Why bother because  …
  4. You’re your own worst critic. You don’t think very highly of yourself, feel like damaged goods and that you don’t deserve good things.
  5. You’re often angry and resentful of other peoples gains. For example, you resent the fact that your good friend got a great new job and a big pay increase. She already has nice things, why is she always the one who gets these things. These things never seem to happen to me. 

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Sometimes you can slip into the victim mindset only in certain areas of your life. It can be subtle but persuasive enough to hold you back or even lower your self esteem.

5 Ways to Break out a Victim Mentality

“Take full responsibility for your actions, your choices, and your life. You made it this way. If you’re happy, keep going. If not, choose to do something about it.” ~Kyle Francis

  1. Build confidence by creating small but achievable goals. If you’re convinced that good things never happen to you, you need to retrain your mind to see that you can win at something even if it’s small. Then give yourself time to reflect think or ruminate on these small accomplishments before you move onto even bigger accomplishments.
  2. Give to others. Turn your attention to giving to others. Victimization breeds neediness, and the more needy you are the more you’ll be disappointed when your needs aren’t met. Meeting someone else needs allows you to rise above the victim mode and be someone else’s hero. The satisfaction you get from loving or showing love to others gives you a reason to love yourself which guards you from future hurts.
  3. Practice gratitude. When you’re in victim mode, you focus more on what you don’t have and lose sight on what you have. You can change your perspective by spending more on what you do have. If you write them down you can re-read them and remind yourself of them later when you slip back into feeling sorry for yourself.
  4. Get closure on past hurts. This might involve forgiving someone, or forgiving yourself. If you blame yourself for continuing to make the same mistakes over and over, or for trusting the same wrong person, you’ll need understand what draws you to these bad decisions in the first place. This will take some work and you may need the help of a counselor, therapist, or even a good friend who knows you well. Once you get a handle on your patterns you can move on to better decisions in the future.
  5. Take ownership of your decisions. Remember, no one can make you feel a certain way unless you allow it. If you are around people who make you feel bad, are critical of you, etc. then you need to limit your contact with them. Sometimes we don’t have the option of not seeing them, especially if they’re a family member or a parent, so if that’s the case then you’ll need to set up boundaries and create some emotional distance to protect yourself from always being hurt by that person.  Don’t let past hurts define you.

It’s important to identify if you are wallowing in victim mode so you can put it behind you. It’s also important to reflect on your own behaviour (see previous post on emotional intelligence). You have the power to rid yourself of the victim persona but it’ll take ongoing, daily work. It’s been scientifically proven that thinking positive enhances your life and that feeling in control of your life improves your overall sense of well-being. I’d say these make it a worthwhile endeavour.

In the following Ted Talk, Lori Gottlieb shares how you can edit your life story and live more fully by letting go of that one version of your story that you’ve been telling yourself. She explains that in order to be a good editor, we need to offer compassionate truths so we don’t perpetuate the victim mentality, not just to our friends, but to ourselves. This helps us see what we’ve left out of our story so we can come up with an alternative version where we are the heroine or hero of our life story, and not the victim.

How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb

Now, it’s your turn.

Do you struggle with a victim mentality? How do you shift your mindset? Or perhaps you know someone who often plays the victim. How does this affect your relationship with them? Share in the comments below.

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (winter daytime moon, Ambleside Beach, West Vancouver, BC)

Limiting Beliefs, Negative Habits of Mind, React vs Respond, Self Actualized System, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

What’s on your mind?

Susan L. Wheeler

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.” ~ Wayne Dyer

From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep at night, your mindset is up to you. You are the creator of your emotions, your thoughts, your perceptions, and your reactions. I don’t know about you, but I think this is exiting! This means that if you are stuck in a loop of negativity, or if you aren’t happy with certain aspects of your life, you have the power to change it. Neuroscience has proven that we can actually rewire our brain. Having the right mindset can quite literally change your life.

So, are you tired of your thoughts holding you back making you feel like a smaller, more stressed, distracted or disconnected version of who you really are deep inside? Do you want to quiet that inner critic that whispers that you aren’t good enough, that you should have done better, or that you need to be more? Do you want less time feeling distracted, caught in your head worrying or ruminating or planning, and have more time engaged with people or things that light you up? I don’t know about you, but I am and yes I do!

If you’re like me and recognize yourself in any of these, we can take some comfort in knowing that we’re not alone. We all have thoughts that limit us, that make us feel unsure of ourselves, close us off to others, shy away from opportunities and experiences. This is a natural part of being human.

But in order to understand our limiting thoughts more fully, we first need to understand how our brains work. Our brains are complex and amazing, made up with different parts and with different functions. The part we are interested in here is our reptilian brain, the oldest part of our brain that processes threats to our safety and survival, our fight or flight response, and responsible for our negativity bias (see previous post). This negativity bias means we are wired to notice threats more than opportunities for pleasure. While thousands of years ago this negativity bias served a purpose, today it wreaks havoc on our thoughts, which holds us back from our achieving our full potential.

When our brains are naturally geared to notice threats more than pleasures, fear more than love, criticism over compassion, judgement over acceptance, our thoughts are affected. Then add modern day busyness, social media, stress and overwhelm, and these thoughts get louder and more frequent, playing on repeat until they are so familiar that we actually think these thoughts are who we are at our core. Ugh! So, if these types of thoughts have been wired into our brain, how can we break free?

To fundamentally change the way we act, think, and feel, we must act greater than our environment and our present reality. We must understand how are unique brains are wired (complete the SSPS assessment to learn about yours). We must believe, dream, and envision a future reality greater than our present. And we must unhook and break free from our negative thoughts.

Three Steps to Break Free from Negative Thoughts

1) Cultivate a keen sense of awareness and curiosity towards your thoughts. In doing so, our thoughts lose their power and become less real. From here a sense of perspective grows, and we have a choice as how we’d like to respond (see previous post) to these thoughts. With choice comes freedom, freedom to become the person we want to be deep down below the chatter of our mind. Knowing we have a choice is both empowering and liberating.

2) Accept that these thoughts are a natural part of being human. When we allow these thoughts and accept them for what they are, we can offer them and ourselves some compassion. These thoughts are after all just trying to protect us from that perceived danger.

3) Intentionally orientate your mind away from the natural negativity bias (see post) and towards what is productive and positive. Orientate your mind away from fear based thinking and towards compassion, acceptance, connection, gratitude.

The two main reasons negative thoughts continue are because 1) we believe or buy into them, and 2) we try pushing them away or eliminating them. Both of these approaches give thoughts more energy. Getting rid or pushing these negative or unhelpful thoughts away doesn’t work. It just causes them to be more prevalent.

Essentially, we aren’t trying to eliminate our negative thoughts. We’re simply changing our relationship with them. We’re recognizing that they are normal, acknowledging and allowing them. We’re removing their power and impact, and making space for them so they can come and go without the intensity. And finally, we’re choosing to move towards our goals or potential anyway, even if with these unhelpful or negative thoughts are whispering in the background.

The late Dr. Wayne Dyer explains the power of taking responsibility for changing your thoughts in this inspirational video “5 lessons to live by”.

Dr. Wayne Dyer – 5 Lesson’s to Live By

Now, it’s your turn.

What negative thought(s) do you struggle with? How are they getting in your way of achieving your goals or dreams? Share in the comments below.

My book recommendation:

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (cocktail hour on the dock in the Cariboo, BC)

Emotional Intelligence, Negative Habits of Mind, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

Ever take things too personally?

Susan L. Wheeler

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”~ Don Miquel Ruiz

Why are we so quick to take things personally? Do we actually believe that everything is always about us? In fact, research suggests that we significantly overestimate how much we are singled out and judged by others. When someone says something negative or nasty about you, it actually says more about them. Right now, you can make a decision to no longer emotionally react to other people’s issues (see previous post respond rather than react). It takes practice and patience to stop taking things personally but once you accomplish it, your life will become completely transformed.

“You don’t have to control your thoughts, you just have to stop letting them control you.” Dan Millman.

Taking things personally is an automatic negative habit of mind where you make everything about you. It’s like you’re the center of everything that happens and where you believe that all situations have something to do with you, which in reality isn’t true. When you believe you are the cause or the object of negative events, then you are personalizing. Here are a few examples of personalizing:

  • If a friend seems distant, if a boss is angry about something, if your sister doesn’t call, you see yourself as the cause of their emotions and behaviour.   
  • If your co-worker doesn’t greet you like they normally do, you start thinking about what you might have done wrong to upset them, when really it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they had a fight with their spouse before coming to work. 

How to stop taking things personally

  1. Avoid jumping to conclusions. Give the benefit of the doubt to the other person and remember to listen to their entire story, then ask questions to clarify their viewpoint. Don’t jump to conclusions too quickly when you are being confronted. Don’t make assumptions about judgment or criticism seemingly directed at you. Maybe it’s not about you at all, but about them and their own projected perceptions. In fact, it’s almost always about them, their issues, their needs.
  2. Make decisions on your self-worth and not on what others say or think about you. Eleanor Roosevelt said “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission” so don’t give them your permission. Realize that your self worth depends on you and not what others say about you. Of course, relationships will always play a prominent role in our life. But the more you know about yourself, the less you will need others to tell you about yourself.
  3. Take a different perspective. Ask yourself how an unbiased outsider might view this situation. Ask yourself what might be impacting that persons behaviour such as, they’re having a bad day, their personality type, etc. If they were rude to you, it’s almost never about you but a reflection of their own issues.
  4. Understand your predominant personality type or Striving Style. Each of the eight striving styles have a dominant and/or preferred communication style. Learning about your predominant needs and fears, as well as that of others, will offer a deeper insight into how you respond and what might trigger you. Learn more.
  5. Consider the big picture. Instead of taking someone else’s comments personally, take a moment or two and think about the bigger picture. What do the people who know you best think about you? Doesn’t their opinion matter more than this person?
  6. Give up your judgement. Most of us have preconceived notions about people and situations. It’s just the way we are. That being said, no one likes to be judged. When we let that judgement go, it frees us up to see the person and situation in a whole new way. By giving up the judgement, we might actually find out what the real issue is.
  7. Practice being strong. Strong in who you are and what you believe. When we have confidence in ourselves, it’s much easier to stay neutral and avoid buying into somebody else’s baggage or their issues.
  8. Be aware of your triggers. If you are a sensitive person you likely have radar that constantly catches negative comments that hurt you. Know what makes you feel vulnerable. When you are aware of your sensitive spots, the things that trigger your emotions and reactions, you can prepare yourself if an interaction arises that attempts to draw you in. When we take something personally it’s often related to rejection in some way. Something has happened in the past that triggers our limbic brain, the emotional center of our brain. Do you know what triggers your emotional responses? If you do, that’s great. Recognizing the triggers is the first step in disengaging. When we take something personally we do not stand in our own power but buy into others weaknesses.
  9. Think about comments or criticism as a growth opportunity. When faced with critical comments, take them in a constructive way. Ask yourself if there is any truth to it and what you can learn. Ask yourself how you can grow and let the rest of it go.
  10. Create a space between yourself and your reactions. Your initial response might be to react emotionally. If possible, don’t follow that knee-jerk reaction. Take the time to rein in your emotions and assess what’s really happening before you respond (refer to my post on respond rather than react). In general, it’s a good idea to create a healthy personal space around yourself. When you create some space or buffer between yourself and another person, personal boundaries have less chance of being crossed or blurred.
  11. Let go of the need to please. Realize that you can’t please everyone. Work to reduce the impossible demand that you need to be perfect.
  12. Listen carefully to gain clarification. Hopefully, your emotions will take a back seat while you ask this individual to fully explain what’s on their mind and what they want from you. Listen carefully before you respond so you can discern what makes sense and what doesn’t (Refer to my post Are you listening?).
  13. Enlist some support. Seek counseling or enlist the help of a trusted friend to help shift your perspective on yourself and others.

If you practice these techniques over and over you will re-wire your brain and find yourself becoming more neutral and less affected by someone else’s negativity. As you develop these techniques you will stand in your own power and confidence.

When you find yourself thinking that someone else’s behaviour was caused by you or their feelings about you, think about other options or reasons why they might be behaving the way they are.  Or, consider why they might be behaving the way they are if you weren’t in the picture.  Notice how your emotional reactions change when you recognize that their behaviour is not about you.

Don Miguel Ruiz talks to Oprah about Agreement #2: How to Not Take Things Personally

Now, your turn:

Reflect on recent situations in which you have taken things personally. How did you make it about you, (What did you tell yourself? How did you interpret their actions?), and how did it affect your behaviour? Now think about other possible interpretations of the situation that don’t attribute the cause to you. Share in the comments.

My book recommendation:

Photo by Madison Inouye from Pexels

Negative Habits of Mind, Self Protective System, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

Do you Catastrophize?

Susan L. Wheeler

 “I’ve suffered a great many catastrophes in my life.  Most of them never happened.” ~ Mark Twain

When we’re stressed our brain can get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours such as excessive worrying, difficulty focusing, or dwelling on negative experiences. Our brains can get stuck catastrophizing.

So what does it mean to catastrophize?  It’s a common habit of thinking about something and making if far worse than it actually is, creating a worst-case scenario, causing fear and anxiety.  Some call it magnifying which is a good way to think of it, because it emphasizes how we can magnify things way out of proportion, dreaming up scary scenarios, going far beyond simple exaggeration, linking one imagined event to another until we’re paralyzed with fear, going from one scary thought to the next. It magnifies or exaggerates something small or minor into a much bigger, graver situation. It’s when you make small errors but treat them like big ones – “I made a mistake, I’m such an idiot, I’ll probably get fired”. Catastrophic thinking is a whole other level of negativity (refer to my previous post negativity bias). When you imagine the worst case scenario, the what if’s, you will get scared or become angry.   

Catastrophic thinking is a habitual response to challenges or shortcomings such as how you think about failing or how you respond to challenges.  It starts with the belief that something terrible will happen, or that you can’t recover.   People with anxiety imagine losing control of themselves, for example, they think they’ll have a panic attack if they go to the mall and imagine it’ll be a catastrophic, rather than just simply uncomfortable.  Expecting the worse case is an excellent way to make yourself anxious, depressed, unmotivated and completely ruin your life. 

So how does catastrophizing mess us up?  We’ve all experienced some type of tragedies in our life, including painful rejection or failure.  We believe that if we trick ourselves into believing that if we expect the worst, we can prevent it from happening. But in reality, the exact opposite happens.  Seeing the worst often leads to the worst, because we not only cut ourselves off from opportunities, we actually end up inviting the exact problems we are hoping to avoid.  If we go into a conversation expecting the other person will be defensive, we come in ready to attack and lead off more harsh, thus inviting the other person to be defensive.  Catastrophizing invites depression as the future is seen as dreary, hopeless, leading to a cycle of withdrawing from life, a lack of motivation, and a pattern of depression.  It invites anxiety by forcing our brain to see threats and failures everywhere and our brain responds to perceived threats as very real fear response – flight, fight, freeze response. This contributes to social anxiety and leads to paralysis.

“Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?” “Supposing it didn’t, said Pooh. After careful thought Piglet was comforted by this.

Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)

Examples of catastrophic thoughts, and how you can think differently

If or when you catch yourself catastrophizing, think of what might help you.   What could you consciously and mindfully say to yourself when you think these thoughts?  Ask yourself if it’s real or imagined. Here are a few examples:

Catastrophic thought: Oh no, I’m such an idiot, I made a mistake on the report,  I’m never going to finish it,  or even if I do finish it, it will be so bad, it won’t be any good anyway.  I’m going to get fired no matter what.

Replace with: Ok wait, that’s not true.  Everyone makes mistakes, I’m only human, I’ll fix this problem, or mistake, and if I need to ask for help I can but I’ll keep working hard and try to be more careful in the future.  Nobody is going to fire me for making a mistake in a report.

Catastrophic thought: I can’t believe I said that to my boyfriend.  He’s going to leave me for sure this time. 

Replace with: I shouldn’t have said that to my boyfriend. I need to learn to talk more kindly even when I’m upset.  I’m going to try and apologized, and try and make it right.  Hopefully he’ll understand  and accept my apology and we’ll both learn from this.

Catastrophic thought: My husband is late coming home from work. I’m sure he’s been in a car accident or something terrible has happened. I’ll probably get a call from the police or the hospital.

Replace with: I know he’s been really busy at work and I’m sure he’s just got caught up in a meeting and forgot to call. I’ll let him know that I worry when I don’t hear from him, and ask him to message me next time he thinks he’ll be late.

Catastrophic thought: I haven’t heard from my friend for over a week. She must not like me or want to be my friend anymore.

Replace with: I haven’t heard from my friend for over a week. She must be incredibly busy. I’ll give her a call to see how she’s doing and let her know I’m thinking about her.

Catastrophic thought: I heard rumors that my company is having financial troubles, and I just know I’m going to lose my job, my home, and end up penniless on the street.

Replace with: I’m curious if these rumors are true and maybe I’ll go talk to my manager. And even if it’s true, the worse case scenario is I lose my job. I’ll know I’ll be fine and get another job, maybe even a better one.

Why do we catastrophize?

Catastrophizing essentially serves two dysfunctional functions:   

1) Preparing for the worse is a coping strategy preventing us to feel risk or uncertainty.  If I expect myself to fail I won’t be disappointed if I do.  If I reject myself first, I don’t have to worry that someone will do it to me.  Catastrophizing is a way to avoid feeling and to protect ourselves from feeling sadness or worry. Yet paradoxically, when we try not to feel we often end up becoming depressed and anxious.  Expecting the worst also justifies not even trying and attempts to excuse our failure before we put in an effort. No wonder it feels more safe and comfortable than putting your heart out there.  While it’s comfortable in the short term it’ll crush the joy out of your life in the long run.  You’re not risking failure but you can’t have success either.  You’re not getting rejected, but you’re still alone on the weekend. 

2) The belief that fear is the best motivation. Motivating ourselves to study, go to work, etc. by using fear and predicting doom and gloom, like, we’ll end up working in a dead-end job, living on the streets, or be all alone, works briefly as a motivator but over the long term causes us to become anxious, depressed, overwhelmed and less functional.   It’s not a sustainable source of motivation.   

How you can feel better?

  • Get more sleep. Getting a good night sleep will give you a greater ability to face challenges bravely; when we are sleep deprived we are hyper sensitive to threats and lack resilience when facing challenges. 
  • Stick with the facts. Focus on the specifics to keep your mindset clear and focused on the only thing you can control – your reaction. You are not your thoughts or feelings.  The difference between a thought that sticks in your brain and one that floats on by is what we choose to make of it.
  • Set positive goals. Motivate yourself by what you do want in life, what you value,and hope for instead of using fear. For example, instead of saying I need to go to school so I don’t end up on the streets, you say, I want to go school because I want to be a teacher, doctor, (you fill in the blank).  Choose what you do want in life, break it down in to small goals, and bravely work towards those little by little.
  • Stay present and engaged even if a risk of not going perfecting involves vulnerability. Risking failure or hurt to have success and joy involves staying engaged even if things don’t go perfectly.  The only alternative is to guarantee failure by cutting yourself off before you even try.
  • Accept uncertainty as a natural and acceptable part of living a wholehearted life. This is fundamental life skill that can be developed and practiced.  It involves changing how you think about anxiety.  Instead of labeling a situation as bad or harmful or you can’t handle it, you can say, this is uncomfortable, but it won’t injure me and I can do hard things. Embrace acceptable risk and the anxiety that comes with it as natural normal and helpful.  Build up your emotional muscles so you can experience uncomfortable emotions by practicing mindfulness, meditation, or doing something that scares you every day.

Practice mindfulness

  1. Start by noticing when you are catastrophizing. What are the words or exaggerations you use to make things worse than they are, such as never, always, terrible, failure, horrible, rejected, awkward.  Notice the situations that you tend to catastrophize about. Write down what it looks like when you do it.  Ask a friend or family member to point it out when you do. 
  2. Challenge those thoughts – just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true.  Learn to notice and gently question your thoughts.  You don’t have to believe everything you think but don’t beat yourself up for your thoughts – it’s not very helpful.  Notice your thoughts, then let them pass. 
  3. Replace thoughts with something more honest and helpful.  Once you start to notice this type of thinking, begin to combat with more honest, more rational thoughts.  Consider other possible outcomes. Even if something bad did happen, you could learn from it it wouldn’t be the end of the world. 
  4. When you find yourself starting to imagine the worst-case scenario, grab a sheet of paper and write down what you’re telling yourself.  Then for each statement, ask yourself, “Is it real?” and then cross off everything on your list that is not real

Now, it’s your turn:

When was the last time you catastrophized? What was the situation? How did it affect your behaviour? What might you say to yourself when you find your imagination creating a worst-case scenario? Share your examples in the comments.

Photo source: Susan Wheeler (morning hike in North Vancouver, BC)

Meditation, Mindfulness, Negative Habits of Mind, Self-Awareness, Striving Styles

Cultivating Happiness: Understanding your Negativity Bias

Susan L. Wheeler

“If you can extract happiness out of common, everyday moments you will have captured the art of happiness.” ~ Elle Sommer

Do you find yourself dwelling on bad memories and experiences?  Do you tend to fixate on one little negative comment, criticism or feedback? When you’re hurt, upset, or angry with someone, do you fixate on everything you don’t like about them or focus on their flaws? It’s so much easier to focus on the laundry list of bad things about them and why they pissed you off. Thinking about that persons good points takes a lot of energy, and it’s easier to think of all the things you don’t like about them. Maybe you find that you often ignore all the positive events that are happening (or have happened) and focus primarily on the negative or what didn’t happen? We can become consumed with our negative qualities or on negative experiences while ignoring our positive characteristics and experiences.

If you can relate to this, you might get some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  It comes down to human evolution. Our brains have been programmed over thousands of years to focus on the negative, which was once helpful in protecting us from being eaten by wild animals or eating poisonous plants. Our survival was dependent upon remembering those negative experiences so we didn’t die. This default in our brain is referred to as a negativity bias and causes us to remember or focus more on negative memories than good ones. These automatic negative thoughts can trigger our self protective system (SPS) which can have a powerful effect on our behaviour, our decisions, and our relationships.  Today, this negativity bias is less useful and is ultimately damaging to our overall sense of happiness and well being. It often results in us focusing on unnecessary worries and fears and having a less optimistic outlook on life. 

These negative memories are stored and recalled in our emotional brain, known as the basal ganglia, the strongest part of our brain that recognizes and repeats patterns until told otherwise.  While the basal ganglia is the strongest part of the brain, our prefrontal cortex, or the logical “manager”, understands long term benefits and consequences. The good news is, because of the brains plasticity, our prefrontal cortex can override the basal ganglia.

Cultivating your inner strengths

Understanding how you think and how your brain works is key to cultivating your inner strengths and changing your automatic negative habits of mind. Reprogramming your brain starts when you become aware of how often you think the same negative thoughts about your self or make situations worse by making up stories about what is going on. Recognizing your automatic negative thought patterns and focusing on the positive takes a conscious effort and lot of work. Mindfully refocusing your thinking and responding to events with greater awareness and consciousness will help to build your inner strengths, thus allowing you to feel stronger, more secure and resilient.

To cultivate your inner strengths you must begin to orient yourself and your awareness towards those everyday moments of happiness and satisfaction. To linger in them, savor them, allowing them to touch you and soak into the fabric of who you are. When you allow yourself to linger in these everyday moments of happiness and satisfaction, you not only experience happiness in that moment, but you’re also strengthening the neuropathways in your mind, which leads to greater happiness and well-being.

This is not as easy as it sounds thought. Especially when we add busyness, stress, anxiety or  a sense of overwhelm of everyday modern life. We may find ourselves going through our day seeing life as a whole lot of little challenges to be overcome, mishaps to be avoided, fires to be put out, rather than as a series of opportunities for happiness, fulfillment, connection, meaning, and satisfaction. Modern day life coupled with our negativity bias means we move through our days allowing our negative experiences to really stick while those positive experiences slide off without having the opportunity to become absorbed into our awareness. 

Let’s take a moment to think about this.  Can you think back to a time when you let a small inconvenience taint your day or really get to you? Such as bad traffic, a slow driver, a chaotic morning, or an uncomfortable conversation with a colleague or friend. Or maybe you can think back to a time at work when you received some overall positive feedback about your performance with just one suggestion for improvement. Instead of seeing this for what it really was you only focused on the suggestion for improvement, taking it as a personal criticism or even as insult. Or perhaps you enjoyed a lovely weekend with family and friends but let one slightly critical comment made by a friend or relative really sink in and take over the overall feeling of happiness and connection that was actually present during this time together.  Or what about all the small acts of kindness that you receive each day that go by largely unnoticed such as  when you partner brings you a coffee or when the person serving you at the restaurant serves you with extra attention.  Or what about when a colleague holds the door for you, when a stranger smiles at you in the street, or when another driver lets you in.  What about all the good decisions you make, the movements in your day that go by without a hitch, the times when life just runs smoothly.  These are the moments that we let slide right off without being absorbed into our awareness, or into our minds and hearts.  Yet these are the everyday opportunities that hold the seeds of our happiness and fulfillment. 

How can you turn ordinary everyday moments into an opportunity for happiness?

According to Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson “every time you take in the good you build a little bit of neurostructure… doing this a few times a day will gradually change your brain and how you feel and act in far reaching ways.” Firstly, we need to wake up from the modern day trance of busyness and move from our minds into our bodies, hearts, and the present moment and turn our attention to the moments of good that are right in front of us.  From here we become more open and receptive to the everyday opportunities for happiness that exist for each of us throughout our days. 

“Every time you take in the good you build a little bit of neurostructure… doing this a few times a day will gradually change your brain and how you feel and act in far reaching ways.”

Dr. Rick Hanson

These moments will look and feel different to each of us.  Then we must linger in these moments of happiness using our breath and attention to help transform these experiences from passing states into enduring traits. Recent studies in neuroscience suggest that in order create these new neuropathways we need to stay with these experiences for at least 15-20 seconds or about  4 to 5 breaths.  Amazingly, we can also build this neuropathway by focusing our attention on past or present experiences of happiness and fulfillment. By taking the time to recall a happy experience, allowing it to land in your body, mind and heart, you are helping to strengthen these pathways. 

Meditation is a powerful way to strengthen our neuropathways as the very act of meditation allows for a focused awareness, for a natural presence, a slowing down.  During meditations, spend time recalling past experiences as well as enjoying present moments experiences of happiness.  Meditation allows us to experience things in our minds, bodies, and hearts. 

Now, it’s your turn

What happened this week that was good? Describe something that you are excited about. Tell us what makes you happy. What’s going well? What are you grateful for? Share in the comments.

Photo Source: Pinterest